I often get asked my opinion on 1-2-3 Magic, a popular book and method of discipline. I have to say right out – I have not read the book itself, but I think I have a handle on the process and premise:
The Process
The method is to give your child a warning by counting up to three and if they don’t change their behaviour by the time you get to three, they are put in a time out. An example would be the child who won’t turn off the TV, so when they ignore you, you say "That’s ONE"…. "That’s TWO" and then finally "That’s Three – you are in a time out……. "
The Premise
I believe that author was trying to address one of today’s big parenting problems: lack of parental follow through! Many parents simple flap their lips, hurl negative statements, fill the air with ineffective (and often toxic) comments. All to often parenting is reduces to tossing empty threats that the parents don’t take action on – AND the child knows it!
With the 1-2-3 method, I think the counting is MORE for the parents than for the child. (boy – when i get to 3 I am going to have to DO something!). And parents often turn to some huge punishment like spanking (which is absolutely WRONG) or something harsh like like "that’s it fella – you’ve blown it … No game boy all week" which parents are apt to forget or not enforce, and the child fears is punitive and hurtful.
So – the "time out" of 1-2-3 Magic is the alternative to these typical parenting practices that the author is endorsing.
The Problem Parents Report to Me
Parents tell me that what they like about using 1-2-3 magic is that they feel they are being more responsive. The trouble they report is that it is only good for getting children to STOP something (like turning off the TV) but it is not good at getting a child to initiate an activity. If you can’t get Johnny to put on his shoes to go to nursery school and you are late – its is only slowing you down MORE to put him in a time out!
My 2 Cents
I do agree we need to be consistent and follow through and not be punitive – but this is too simplistic an approach. Here are my concerns:
1. Parents who have trouble following through just elongate the counting anyways: "2…. 2 1/2…. 2 3/4….. "
I am not sure what is supposed to be happening during this time except stalling on both the part of the child and the parent. The child is not "thinking" about what will happen – they are stringing you along and you look foolish mom and dad.
I suggest you skip the counting and just offer a simple choice and then move along, as in "can you keep your hammer calm or do I need to take it away?" "I see you need help" (remove the hammer from the child). No counting needed…. choice and action is just fine.
2. Time out is not the only consequence
While I think a time out is much better than spanking or scolding – it is NOT the only parenting tool and it will be so over used. Each situation requires an evaluation of what the "Logical Consequence" should be. A logical consequence for not putting your clothes in the laundry hamper is that your laundry doesn’t get done. A logical consequence for getting down from the table is that your meal is over. If you don’t use the safety rules on our bike, your bike is no longer available for a day.
And watcha gonna do with those kids who won’t go to a time out anyway? 1-2-3 Magic won’t work for them either.
We are still focussing on symptoms and not addressing the root cause.
If we don’t learn about the underlying issues and address the child’s discouragement we are just putting bandages on, and another misbehavior is sure to sprout. A child who is being non-co-operative needs to be helped in finding ways of feeling connected and valued in the family.
We must win the the child’s co-operation and counting to three and putting them in a time out just isn’t going to make it in the long run…. sorry…. humans are just more complex than that.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You should read the book before you comment on it. They do address getting a kid to do something – and it is NOT with time out. They suggest encouragement and reward systems among other techniques. (You also aren’t allowed to drag out counting, and you can use any consequence you want as long as it isn’t violent or abusive – no problem using natural consequences.) Sorry 1-2-3 Magic is more complex than your explanation of it, making your critiques invalid. You *really* should read books before you critique them – it’s the only intellectually honest way!
I found this while searching for critiques of the 123 method after reading the book.
I agree with you that 123 magic is more for parents than it is for kids. It gives parents a simple script which is useful for keeping adult tempers in check and for encouraging consistency.
I also agree with Angie that all of your critiques are addressed in the book. They draw a clear line between what they call stop behaviors and start behaviors, and make it very clear that counting is only effective on stop behaviors, and is actually counterproductive when used on the start behaviors.
I have often thought the 123 Magic program omits some very important aspects of parenting. I *was* a little disappointed that you didn’t read the book, Alyson (it’s designed to be a quick-read,and it’s very accessible). That said, I loved what you had to say about the tendency to focus on children’s behaviours rather than the causes of their behaviour.
I couldn’t agree more: a discouraged child “needs to be helped in finding ways of feeling connected and valued in the family.”
Yes, you should read the book – or even its introduction. One of the most important premises is that you dont count for START behaviours – half the book is on alternatives for those. I am looking for real critiques of this program and not finding them – it just seems to good to be true and is working with my kids – surely someone somewhere thinks it must be screwing them up somehow!
She started her comments with a header I have not read the book to allow people to know that she is not speaking directly about the contents of the book but rather the premise. I have used Aylson parenting style and the 123 Magic style.. I am a firm believer in Aylson and her connection to the core of the issue not the behaviour. I think some people (including those who have commented on here) only read what they want to read and commented with out thinking of the others side or fully takin in the comments. Remember too this is Alyson opinion and her site.
Keep on coming with your post Aylson I owe you for the sanity in our house.. THANK YOU
I agree with Angie. It may have been useful if you read the book, or at least a summary of it, before giving this type of advice. You indicated that, “The method is to give your child a warning by counting up to three and if they don’t change their behaviour by the time you get to three, they are put in a time out.” However, the book actually provides you with something called “time-out alternatives”, or things you can do in place of a time-out.
You also stated one problem reported to you is that, “…it is only good for getting children to STOP something (like turning off the TV) but it is not good at getting a child to initiate an activity. If you can’t get Johnny to put on his shoes to go to nursery school and you are late – its is only slowing you down MORE to put him in a time out!”. The book actually addresses “start” behavior, which is when you want your kid to start doing something (as opposed to them stopping what they are doing).
Before providing feedback on something, please be somewhat familiar with it.
Very fair comments. I don’t remove old blog posts ( this is old and I would not have written it today). I take all fair criticism on the chin and learn from it. I am certain I wrote this after having so many parents talk to me about their difficulties with the program and hearing their personal testimonials of its short comings. I painted the brush strokes too wide and was inaccurate and I appreciate you taking the time to correct me and the readers of my blog.
Ms. Schafer, you should delete your review. I’m trying to think of the correct word for reviewing something that one hasn’t read. “Irresponsible” doesn’t quite do it justice.
FWIW, I have read it, and it’s by far the best parenting book I’ve read.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and to post. I hope you read the other comments and my replies in this feed. I have decided rather than taking the post down, I will read the book to see if the additional details change my mind from the broad premise I believe I have correct.
I think you should read the book before critiquing it. I am not a die hard proponent of 123 even though I teach it, but it is clear that you don’t know enough about it to comment.