Parents find it shocking when I give the advice “don’t force your child to say “I’m sorry” after an incident. They think I am letting kids off the hook. Not true! Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.
First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others. Yes, I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged. All of those pursuits are important. I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.
When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut “Come on now, say you’re sorry” they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply “ I’m saaaawry”.
Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state. You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing, just flew out the window as their parents put the spot light on them and their screw up, which is now on public display. Embarrassing.
Next, you are commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition). Well, its humiliating and degrade, frankly.
Why They Do It:
The child’s use of a mocking tones serve to help them save face and keep a shred of dignity in the moment.
The child is saying with their behavior “I won’t be forced against my will. You can’t make me. You might be able to force me to say “I’m sorry”, but you can’t make me feel it – HA! I win! I defeat you!
Sadly, it becomes a war between parent and child, a total distraction from the actual task of learning from their mistake, helping the harmed party feel better and ultimately making amends for the incidents.
The child beings to feel angry at their parents and instead of owning the responsibility for their behavior they feel the other party actually got them in trouble with their parents, so they don’t feel empathy or remorse anymore. In fact, they now feel justified and not responsible!
What to do instead?
1) Modeling. If you are one to say “sorry” when you err, they will mimic you. Trust me on this one.
2) Pause. That’s right. Give kids a moment to volunteer a genuine response to a situation before you jump in two guns a’blazin’. You may well discover that your children do say they are sorry, if given a moment to compose themselves.
3) Focus on the future: Instead of forcing them to say sorry about the past, which they can’t change, put the focus their commitment to do something differently in the future. “Can you let your friend know that you won’t take his bike without asking again.”
4) Ask your child “what should happen now?” If they broke a neighbor’s window playing ball, letting the child think for themselves of how to right the situation helps build empathy, internalizes the lesson, and generates positive feelings about rectifying the situation. Replacing the window with their allowance and writing a letter stating it was an accident and promising to play in the park in the future feels restorative when they come up with the idea.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a great perspective and great tips… takes a little more work than a simple apology but this approach will elicit a longer-lasting lesson in the end. Definitely something to try in future! Interestingly, I’ve noticed a reluctance among adults to say “I’m Sorry” on occasions (in professional settings where they don’t want to lose face for instance) I wonder if this is because they have a mental, humiliating throw-back to being forced to say it by their parents??
Yes, I think you are right about that. I have parents share stories in my parenting class of the shame they felt. In childhood we have implicit memories of those experiences that shape our lives, attitudes and actions in our present day experiences.
Love this. Nobody likes being forced to apologize, but when you turn the mistake into a future looking learning experience, you’re setting the child up for success!! Thank you so much for these tips.
You are welcome! Glad they are helpful. Thanks for all you do at ourkids.net for parents too! I was talking about your website on my Monday segment of CTV news express with Amanda Blitz re: getting ready for the open house season of summer camps.
I agree with you building empathy is important. I think it’s something that we are born with,when a child is crying when she gets hurt,two or three children begin to cry in the same room.I’m thinking specificly about a room full of toddlers.They can’t express the feeling in words but they know someone has gotten hurt.It’s the same when someone begins to giggle. Thank you for this article.
Thank you for this reassurance. I’ve been doing *this* for a very long time, I have three boys and they can get into a lot of trouble but when I step back and allow them to feel the impact of their actions … say when they’ve hurt someone I acknowledge what is… so and so is crying, I wonder what they could be sad about… the more silent i am the more the weight of their own conscience works…. if they say I’m sorry, that’s fine but other things that happen is they give their healing hands to the other person’s owie… or to their heart… or they say, I didn’t mean to hurt you, what I really wanted was….
This takes so much patience on my part… but isn’t parenting, after all, a pilgrimage of the soul?
Beautifully said, Min Yi Su, thank you so much for sharing. I’ve never forced or even asked my (just) 2-year-old to say sorry, thank you or please. I have just kept modeling this behaviour trusting that one day she would follow my lead. I also acknowledge what’s going on and *wonder* out loud what might be happening. Sure enough she’s started to follow, sincerely, and showing so much empathy, too.
I have a 2 year old and have worked with kids for a long time. I deal with a lot of playground arguments and kids hurting each other, either by accident or on purpose. I always have the person who hurt the other one start with asking the other one if they are ok. It always seems to diffuse any anger almost immediately and puts the focus on feeling empathy for the other person rather than apologizing. That usually follows naturally, the kids do it on their own. It’s so simple and really works.
I love this! I have never liked it when parents force their kids to apologize when they don’t mean it. They need to understand the situation that happened and make the decision to apologize on their own. My husband tried to make one of our kids apologize for something one time, and he refused. I told him that he would apologize when he was truly sorry, and sure enough after he had the chance to calm down he sincerely apologized. My husband learned a very important lesson that day.
This really resonates. I was explaining to my 12 year old grandson last week that he should wait to apologize when he’s ready. Nothing ticks people off more than an insincere apology.
Here’s more information on apologies, from a non-violent/compassionate communication viewpoint: http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/200
I think this is interesting:
Apologies in Non-Violent Communication by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé · October 17, 2006
“Apologies are often associated with shame, defensiveness, justification and no real connection or healing.
Still, you like to hear people say they are sorry. Why? My guess is you want to know that the other cares about you and therefore cares about whether your needs were met or not by their action. You are also hoping that if they say sorry they will be avoid that same behavior in the future. Unfortunately when someone offers an apology out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness the likelihood that she or he will understand better how to meet your needs in the future is pretty low. The more likely outcome is avoidance and a quiet harboring of guilt and/or resentment.” see the website link for more…
Hi LaShelle – yes, people do like to hear people say they are sorry. Hopefully my advice leads to that end result faster, but not immediately. Alyson
We teach our children how to do “a four point apology”–Affirm the person, affirm the relationship, express genuine regret for what you did, ask for forgiveness.” They have learned to do their own version of this since four years old with coaching! It is remarkable! This is what it may sound like….” Josh, I love you so much and think you are a great little brother. I like to have fun with you. I am sorry that I took your bike without asking. That was wrong of me. Will you please forgive me?” One short sentence on each point is easy for them to come up with when modeled! In Japanese culture their overly large apologies are in part to remind them what NOT to do again. I have four boys age 10,13,15 and 17 and they have been doing these since about 4 or 5 years old. Works great in our house!
Dawn – thanks for sharing!
Role modeling is so important, however discussing feelings is equally so. When one of our boys has done something hurtful, we ask both of them to talk about their feelings. This gives the “injured party” a chance to express their honest feelings about what happened (ie:” I felt sad when you said you wouldn’t play with me.”) and it gives the aggressor the chance to express their feelings and what may have motivated their actions (ie: “I’m mad that you keep bugging me, I just want time to play alone!”). We also ask the boy who caused the conflict to reflect on how the other person feels (ie “How do you think your brother feels when you yell at him?”) Now the boys can both internalize the interaction and become self-motivated to change their behavior instead of parroting back a response that we have requested them to, as adults.
My kids say they are sorry, because we tell them we are sorry and my husband and I talk opening about our feelings when we are having a conflict. The kids see how to resolve conflict with love and empathy and our nudge to them to express feelings vs. statements of apology, helps reinforce the empathy that is innate from infant hood.
Love the idea of getting them to think it through. I have been struggling with this issue. Thanks, Julie
MODELING!! Above all. I say this because very early on, I learned to like the taste of a little crow. I have heard far to many insincere apologies from parents to children. YOU MUST MEAN IT! My apologies to my own went something like this: “What I said/did/thought was very wrong. I am really sorry. I know you don’t have to but I really hope you will forgive me.” I always meant every word and my boys always forgave my sins. This teaches children so much. 1. We are not perfect and need not pretend to be 2. Dignity is preserved with an apology NOT LOST! 3. We are not perfect and do not demand it of them. My children even got to witness me take some trouble to return to an establishment where I had been rude, for the sole purpose of pulling a “MEA CULPA”.
Modelling – so very true, and well worth your trip back to the estblishement with your kids. Kudos to you and thanks for sharing!
MODELING above all! All apologies must be sincere, honest and self generated. If we can genuinely apologize to our kids they learn: 1. We are not perfect so they need not be 2. Dignity is preserved, NOT LOST with an apology 3. They can be magnanimous.
I am not a big fan of children getting a lot on apology instruction. Children’ like dogs, watch our every move, breath and lifted brow. There is not a lot they can not learn from mentor-ship..
P.S. Forgiveness is a gift not an obligation
Sorry