Parents find it shocking when I give the advice “don’t force your child to say  “I’m sorry” after an incident.    They think I am letting kids off the hook.   Not true!  Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.

First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others.  Yes,  I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged.  All of those pursuits are important.   I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.

When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut “Come on now, say you’re sorry” they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply “ I’m saaaawry”.

Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state.  You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing, just flew out the window as their parents put the spot light on them and their screw up, which is now on public display.   Embarrassing.

Next, you are commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition).  Well, its humiliating and degrade, frankly.

Why They Do It:

The child’s use of a mocking tones serve to help them save face and keep a shred of dignity in the moment.

The child is saying with their behavior “I won’t be forced against my will.  You can’t make me.  You might be able to force me to say “I’m sorry”, but you can’t make me feel it – HA! I win! I defeat you!

Sadly, it becomes a war between parent and child, a total distraction from the actual task of learning from their mistake, helping the harmed party feel better and ultimately making amends for the incidents.

The child beings to feel angry at their parents and instead of owning the responsibility for their behavior they feel the other party actually got them in trouble with their parents, so they don’t feel empathy or remorse anymore. In fact, they now feel justified and not responsible!

What to do instead?

1)   Modeling.  If you are one to say “sorry” when you err, they will mimic you.  Trust me on this one.

2)  Pause.  That’s right.  Give kids a moment to volunteer a genuine response to a situation before you jump in two guns a’blazin’.  You may well discover that your children do say they are sorry, if given a moment to compose themselves.

3)  Focus on the future:  Instead of forcing them to say sorry about the past, which they can’t change, put the focus their commitment to do something differently in the future.  “Can you let your friend know that you won’t take his bike without asking again.”

4)   Ask your child “what should happen now?” If they broke a neighbor’s window playing ball, letting the child think for themselves of how to right the situation helps build empathy, internalizes the lesson, and generates positive feelings about rectifying the situation.    Replacing the window with their allowance and writing a letter stating it was an accident and promising to play in the park in the future feels restorative when they come up with the idea.

April 24th is World Meningitis Day.  I am so proud to be one of the spokespeople helping to educate parents about this devastating disease. If you don’t get a chance to catch any of my interviews, I want to be sure my blog followers know:

• Bacterial meningitis is a devastating disease that affects babies, children and teens
• Within hours of the first signs of illness the disease is already having ravaging effects leaving one in four dead within 48 hrs
• Bacterial meningitis mimics the flu, so parents might not recognize their child is gravely ill and wait too long to get help.

All the information parents need to know about the signs, symptoms, treatments and prevention are at www.meninfo.ca.  I encourage all my followers to take 10 minutes to educate yourself and keep your family safe.

I hope you all enjoyed my first monthly newsletter that I sent out this morning.  Somehow the section called “Upcoming Adlerian Events” didn’t get included in the newsletter.  Here is the listing now of 3 fantastic events that I know you would want to know about.  I am not the only one teaching the great works of Alfred Adler ya know.   Check these out:

May 6:  Building Self-Esteem Through Self-Understanding, with Wes Wingett Ph.D.

Presented by:  Adlerians in Ontario  ( and yes parents, you should become a member of this new group!)

Registration and details here.

May 6: Boy Oh Boy! Practical Wisdom for Raising Boys – Barry MacDonald and Sonia Nicolucci

Registration and details here.

June 7 – 10th:  60th Annual NASAP Conference ( North American Society of Adlerian Psychology)

Atlanta, Georgia

Registration and details here.  ( and yes, I am attending and presenting.  A one day parent track and parent pricing is available. Hope to see at least some of you keeners there!).

I am thrilled to announce that after much planning, I will be speaking at the Centrepointe Theatre in Ottawa on May 10, 2012. This talk is based on my book “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids” and will focus on parenting the seemingly  “discipline-resistant” child.  You will learn about the societal reasons that are forcing parenting methods to change, how to overcome resistance and win cooperation, and how to recognize the 4 misbehaviour “dances” we do with our children. Most importantly, you will learn new tools, tactics and techniques that will make you love being a parent again. You’ll go home with new effective discipline methods that you can implement right away.

Following the talk there will be a Q & A period as well as a book sale and signing.

Details:

Thursday, May 10, 2012 from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM (ET)
The Chamber at Ben Franklin Place
101 Centrepointe Drive 
Ottawa, ON

Click Here to Purchase Tickets

Hope to see you there!

I had a great time at the Marilyn Denis show yesterday in her segment on Taking the Stress Out of Potty Training. From when to start the process and why it can be so difficult, we talked about the differences between physiological and psychological readiness, from first stage training to body awareness, why girls potty train earlier than boys, and tips that will encourage your child and make potty training fun.

If you missed the show, you can watch it on the Marilyn Denis Show website here.

This past week, I had the great fun of participating in Social Media Week by sitting on a panel called “ The Social Family” to discuss how social media is impacting our families. The panel moderator, Rebecca Brown of Bunch Family did a great job of shaping a robust conversation with the audience, myself and the other panelists; Brad Moon (aka wiredgeekdad) and Royal Lee (aka education ninja).

Here are the top 3 points that I think every parent would have appreciated hearing:

1. “Mom Mom Mom Mom – When can I get on Facebook?

Many parents hate and fear Facebook. FB guidelines state you must be 13years old to have an account, but kids must younger want to get on this hot social media platform. What is a parent to do? I suggested that the family creates a Facebook page together. This way, nervous parents can learn about Facebook along side their child in a collaborative way. Keep your family site private and only friend your other family members. Your kids can Facebook with their cousins and you can swap family photos with uncles and aunts. With time, experience, and education, parents will feel more comfortable ( and probably fall in love with…) Facebook. As your child ages, and you feel they are competent in the etiquette and safety rules of being on FB, they can graduate to their own page that you can moderate.

2. Gaming – How much is too much? Are they good or bad?

Here is what we decided: Kids love games. Not all games are created equally. Games that seem lame to parents, could well have terrific collaborative and problem solving skills embedded into their design and they are actually wonderful educational tools for children. Other innocent looking games that involve cute pets and so on, can use casino tactics to lure our children into seeking silly rewards that eventually leads to parents pulling out their pocket books to make online pet food purchase so beloved fluffy won’t famish! Some games promote values that you might find abhorrent (consumerism, sexism, violence, etc..) Know the games your children are playing and don’t just scrutinize them – actually play those games with them! This is the new sandbox. The real on-line predator you have to watch for is corporate advertising. Advertising to children is a $15 billion dollar industry. And advertising works… just saying…

3. Hand Helds and Mobile App. How do we keep parental control?

The ole parenting rule of keeping the internet on the family PC in the living room where it can be supervised has gone the way of the Dodo bird. The integration and imbedded nature of apps means they are everywhere. I shared my opinion that parents today have to embrace technology. Like it or not! (FYI, I was recently in St Jacobs ON, and I saw several old order Mennonite moms in their traditional dark print dresses, aprons and bonnets – yup, you guessed it – talking cell phones!) Parenting by definition is the job of preparing our children to join the larger culture. Just as we have to teach them good health and eating habits, we must teach them about technology, on line etiquette and safety. It’s our parenting responsibility now. It’s no longer a choice. Confiscation, blocking, unplugging, and other parentally imposed firewalls will not work in the long run. Children’s desire for the forbidden will have them craving all that much more. Imposed control tactics also miss the teachable lessons which are actually easier and more enduring when you start with younger children. Parental spy ware and locks creates an antagonistic “us against them” mentality between parent and child. Imposed controls promotes cheating, lying and work arounds. After all, if you have already been deemed guilty, you might as well enjoy the crime now! Yes, there are age appropriate devises that can ensure your 6 yr old doesn’t accidentally misspell Madonna and end up on a porn site, but lets not avoid the lessons our children really need to learn in the wired world. Life preparation is always better than protection, which leaves children vulnerable.

I hope I have given a fair synopsis, since not all of us agreed on all points at all times!

Remember Valentine’s Day back in the days before Diaper Genies and sippy cups.  Back when you could afford to go out to dinner and you didn’t have to arrange a sitter?  The coupleship has to adapt to the inevitable changes that come as we move from being romantic partners to having children and being a family.  But does pragmatic parenthood mean an end to romantic frivolity?  Amore survives parenthood a lot better in other cultures.

Here in North American, we subdue the needs of the couple and put our exalted children first.   Well, let me appeal to you then through your need to “do the best for your child”.  Let me explain how your children benefit when you put the love and romance of your coupleship back on the front burner!

Children learn about the world by being keen observers.   Their developing brain is working constantly to understand the world and its workings.  Yes, they learn simple things like “that furry thing is called a dog” but because human beings are social creatures they are primarily concerned in learning about how people behave, how they get along with one another and how to treat one another.

Very early in life, children must create some belief or construct for the world and what is “normal”.  ”Normal” is what happens every day.  ”Normal” in brain-speak refers to what is recognized, not as odd, but as re-occurring and predictable.  Our children will try to seek out and re-create “normal” as they build their lives.   “Normal” says “life is as it should be”.  If you grow up in Kenya as a Masai, you can bet your “normal” will be different than a child raised in New York City or Nanuvit.

So ask yourself, what do your children see when they watch how their parents relate to one another on a daily “normal” basis?  Is it loving and warm? Or is it icy and dismissive? Is it acts of helpfulness and caring? Or is it argumentative and sarcastic?  Do they bawlk that Valentine’s is just a Hallmark holiday? Or do they say “This is the high holiday of love and I embrace showing my love!”

Forget about sitting your daughters down in highschool and having the “you should find someone who treats your right” talk.  She has long made up her mind up about how people should treat her from watching how you and your partner treated each other.

This Valentine’s think of the kids and show them the relationship you would want for them.  Show them respect, appreciation, co-operation and loving kindness.  Gush on Valentine’s day and decide its important enough to keep up all year long.  Make it “NORMAL”.  I have friends who start every day with a kiss and hug and they say to each other “ I am so glad I have you – together we are better”.   They enjoy a slow kiss and embrace each other every day after work.  What a nice tradition for your kids to walk in on and have to see!  I know, I know – they’ll say “Ohhh gross!”  but they’ll probably grow up to pick a loving life partner who is as affectionate and intimate – and that is good parenting!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Join me and fellow panelists Royan Lee, Brad Moon, and Rebecca Brown at the 2012 Social Media Week – Toronto, Social Family Panel. Learn how our mobile social culture is changing family life.

Last year at SMWTO, The Social Family panel looked into the online footprint of toddlers, vanity domains as a must have for newborns and the ethics of YouTubing your kids. Now that’s old hat. In 2012, toddlers don’t understand why paper won’t click, teachers are advocating to bring smart phones into the classroom, and not only do parents have to instill good eating habits in their kids, they also need to make sure their kids are consuming a healthy media diet. But really, do parents have any authority to teach these digital natives anything anyhow? Join us for round two of the Social Family. It will be a total knockout.Visit SocialMediaWeek.org for more information about this event.

Hosted by: Bunch Family in partnership with Rec Room
When: Wednesday, February 15 at 4:00 PM – 5:30 PM
Location: Centre for Social Innovation Annex
720 Bathurst Street (at Bloor)

Did you make a New Year’s resolution of recommitting to the task of improving your family life?  What better way to bring positive change in your family relations than to attend my weekend Parenting Bootcamp.  I just opened registration for this winter’s bootcamp on the weekend of Feb 25th and 26th.   This intense course is 2 solid days of instruction in a small group format of about 20 people.  You’ll get individual attention to resolve your family issues and walk away knowing you’ve done the single best thing you could have done for your kids.  More information, testimonials and registrations are here.  Hope to see you in February!