My latest appearance on The Marilyn Denis Show where we discuss Pulsing Parenting Topics.  From potty training tips to when to have the “talk” Marilyn chats with some of her favorite experts, who are also busy parents, about some parenting hot topics.

Mother’s Day was fun when my kids were preschoolers, gleefully making me breakfast in bed, presenting me with home made gifts and cards they had crafted proudly at nursery school.

Ah, those were the golden days!   They used to ask me “ Is it hard to be a mother?” and I would answer  “It’s a hard joy.”   It’s true.  I love being a mother. It’s has brought me so much joy.  But boy, it is hard work too. Much more work than I ever dreamed.  Mothers truly are unsung heroes.

Somehow, as my girls aged, Mother’s day slowly morphed into a Hallmark card holiday. It felt like marketing campaigns convinced the public they had best spend some dough on a nice gift, lest your mother didn’t think you loved or appreciated her enough.  Store bought cards replaced sweet hand drawn versions.  Breakfast was now about making brunch reservations instead of camping out on my bed.

This year, I decide Mother’s Day needed a make over.  I just wasn’t feeling it. Don’t get me wrong…  I was feeling my children’s love and appreciation.  I just wasn’t sure why societal expectations for expressing that gratitude had to come in the form of spend their precious money, earmarked for university, on yet another scented candle to prove it to me.   And, it had also been a long time since I felt like motherhood was a “hard joy”.  My hard work has paid of.  My 18 and 19 year olds are really just joy now.   For that, I felt so grateful.

However, I am also very aware that my journey has been a privileged one, and there are a great many other moms that deserve support on Mother’s Day.   From this year forward, my caring and appreciation goes to them, those mothers who raise children in conditions I was blessed to not have to endure.    This year,  I have asked my children to donate in my name to a charity for mothers of their choice.  We have discussed the Massey Centre, a place for teen mothers,  The Yellow Brick House, a shelter for women and children, and to Dignitas International, helping moms and children living with HIV in Africa.

I don’t know how you’ll decide to celebrate Mother’s Day, but if in some small way you decide to reach out to the other sisters in our circle of moms this year, you will be respecting the “hard joy” that makes us all remarkable women.   Wishing you and your families all the best!

One of the most important concepts in Adlerian psychology is encouragement. In fact, it is such a big concept I get deterred from writing about it on my blog because I try to keep my posts to 500 words or less.  But recently one of my mentors, Christine Nisan, used very clear concise language that I thought might help parents grasp the concept of encouragement as distinct from praise, since praise is not recommended. Christine said ” think in terms of verbs versus nouns”.

Encouragement is about verbs, praise is about nouns.    Here are some encouragement versus praise examples to show you the difference:

You have picked a nice outfit today — vs—  you are pretty

You are studying hard — vs — you are smart

When we use the language of encouragement we are helping to reinforce the belief that the person is an active agent in their choices and that they have influence and control in the outcomes of their life.    One can choose to dress tidily or sloppy, right?  But one has no control over if they are born “pretty”.   Likewise, kids think they were born “smart” (noun) and don’t realize that it is the act of studying (verb) and the learning (verb) that lead to their understanding which resulted in getting a good mark.

Adler’s theory of Individual Psychology stresses that all humans are capable of change and we can always do differently.  It is freeing and liberating to know you are capable of deciding how you will act.   It’s empowering to a child that they can do differently.  You can study harder and improve your grades.  You can be attentive to your hygiene and clothing and improve your appearance.

If a child believes they are a brat (noun) or a bad girl (noun)  because they have been called one, they come to accept that label (noun).  It feels fixed and unchangeable and they can get locked into that role in the family.   If, however, they understand that they are behaving (verb) in uncooperative ways , they understand that they can choose to act differently!

Plastic surgery for teens, when should parents draw the line?

April 24th is World Meningitis Day, a time to help bring awareness to a terrible disease that especially impacts infants, children and youth.  I have been involved with the campaign to bring awareness to parents about this disease.  My hope is that every parent has the basic facts about meningitis and makes an appointment to speak with their doctor to review their child’s vaccination status.   Like so many other parents, I had assumed my children were protected because all the tick boxes were marked on their immunization card.  I didn’t know that my children could be symptom free and healthy, yet carrying germs that could prove fatal to another.   Here is a short video with some highlights you should know.  Take 3 minutes now to learn about this disease that can claim a life within 24 hours of the first onset of symptoms.

My latest appearance on Canada AM regarding how to talk to your kids about tragedy and the importance of restoring children’s sense of safety following tragic events.

The bombings at the finish line of the Boston Marathon have rocked the nation. Many children overheard their parents talking about it or caught a glance of the news coverage. If the car radio was on during the drive home from school you may not have even considered that the little ears in the back seat were tuning in too.

How does a parent effectively discuss the event of today? I have a few suggestions, based on some psychological tenants to help guide you.

1. Young Children Don’t Need to Know World News

Young children don’t need to know world news. Their world is their home life and that’s big enough! Parents need to create barriers to media and filter information.

You may think that your nine-month-old is too young to understand what you are watching on the news, but research shows youngsters are impacted by upset facial expressions and other stressful visual images that accompany the news. Best practice: turn off the tube.

Instead of TV and radio, read the media coverage giving updates on the progress of the investigation via feeds and online updates. Protect your child from potential vicarious trauma that can occur from accidental news consumption.

2. Clarify Misunderstandings

If you think it’s likely that your child heard something about the bombings, ask them what they understood happened. Be sure they explain using their own words. You may be surprised to hear what they put together in their own minds. It gives you an opportunity to correct their misunderstandings. For example:

“Mommy, I don’t want you running in your race next weekend in case you get hit by a bomb too.”  Expect questions of this type. Your job will be to explain that this explosion was a freak incident and that we are all safe. This event was upsetting because it was so rare and random. Explain that while we are sad it happened, it’s not worth spending one ounce of energy worrying about it ever happening again. The police are looking for who ever did this and they will be found and put in jail where they can’t do this again.

3. Your Emotions Are Educational Too

Your child looks to you to see how you are reacting in order to make their own assessment of how frightening the day’s events where. If you are very upset and anxious, you are broadcasting that the situation is severe and scary. If you have an empathetic disposition, your children will likely adopt that emotional stance instead.

4. Re-Instill a Sense of Safety

Your child’s world view that life is safe and predictable may have been shattered. We must re-assure our children that the world is still a safe place. To do that, discuss the positives; such as how responsive the police and president where. How the people in the crowd pitched in to help one another. Maintain your own family routines and be especially calm, caring and warm.

5. No Lies — But Be Selective in The Amount of Details

Because children need to feel safe, they need to believe their parents wouldn’t deceive them. It’s important to always model being truthful in our interactions with others. In fact, being truthful sends a message of confidence in their ability to handle life. When we lie, we are basically giving the child a vote of non-confidence.

6. Decide How Much To Pass Along

Adapt the amount of information you are sharing by age appropriateness and your child’s needs by moving from the broadest of brushstrokes to the finest of details. Here are three such examples:

“We are all very upset because today there was a big explosion that hurt a lot of people” might be enough for a preschooler.

“Today a bomb went off near the finish line of a big running race and lots of people had to be taken to the hospital and three even died.”  This is a suitable description for a child in elementary school with no access to social media.

“Today at the Boston Marathon there were two simultaneous bomb explosions along the route towards the finish line. Lots of people were hurt, and three have died (including an eight-year-old). The police are investigating who perpetrated this crime which is being considered an act of terrorism. It’s a terrible tragedy since it was innocent civilians who were targeted.”  This more robust description could be the starting point for a deeper conversation with an older youth who is developing their own ideas about justice and societal issues in general.

7. Help Children Process

If your child is upset or moved by the events of today, invite them to channel their emotions into thinking of constructive ways to be helpful. Perhaps they want to write a card, send a letter, hold a vigil, say a few words, or a prayer, light a candle, place flowers somewhere symbolic, donate money from their piggy bank or anything else that moves the child and helps reduce feelings of meaninglessness. Actions such as these also serve as a way to regain a sense of control of one’s own life and emotions are re-establish our sense of being able to keep ourselves safe.

There will be days of news still ahead. I hope you feel more confident in how you’ll broach this subject with your children.

Money and sex. Big taboo topics! Most parents agree that its important for their children to develop good financial habits, and that they should start at a young age. Unfortunately, parents also tell me that they don’t know how to go about teaching their kids how to manage money.   Well, let me introduce you to CFEE: The Canadian Foundation for Economic Education, a federally chartered, non-partisan, non-profit organization founded in 1974.  CFEE has worked collaboratively to created a great curriculum for both schools and parents at home. The resources and activities and games are free and accessible to parents online at www.talkwithourkidsaboutmoney.com.  Of course you should talk to you children about money more than once a year, but on the 17th of April, we hope to bring awareness to the great online resource available to parents online during the inaugural “Talk to Our Kids About Money Day”.   Check it out, and tell your friends and your children’s teacher!

My latest appearance on The Marilyn Denis Show were we talk about dealing with sibling who fight.