Potty Training - Poop & Pee Issues
Still Pooping Pants at 8 Years Old
Tags: health, passive power, power struggles, school aged (7-12)
Do you have an older child who still “holds”? It’s a common problem with children in the younger grades. They check out medically as being okay, yet when they need to move their bowels, they still won’t go use the toilet.
You plead with them to go sit on the toilet, you discover soiled underwear hidden in their bedroom and you find yourself monitoring their washroom habits to see if they are “producing” anything. You’re afraid they’ll soil their pants in public if you don’t help them train properly. Right? Actually–wrong. Let’s look at what is happening.
Why Older Children Hold Their Bowels
It’s our fear that our children can’t manage that gets us overly involved, and as we begin to micromanage them, we usurp the child’s proper role and responsibility for toileting themselves. We rob them of this power. This sets up a power struggle. The child resists the parental urgings and manipulations. They are saying “It’s my body, it’s my decision, and you can’t make me.” They “hold” to win the power struggle.
What to Do?
The power struggle needs to dissolve. You need to hand over this responsibility back to the child and trust him to manage it, accidents and all. I suggest you teach them how to wash soiled underwear and how to do a load of laundry. At 8 years old, with a a step stool, it’s as easy as a toaster. Once they have learned how to do that, your life is not impacted by their bowel habits, and I suggest you tell them so, and let them know respectfully that you trust them to be independent and that won’t be mentioning toileting to them again. Ever.
The child will decide in their own time how long they want to hold and how much of a hassle it is to clean up–and none of that will be worth if it doesn’t set you off!
So, we end the power struggle, empower him, and stop being invested in trying to change the child’s behaviors. They won’t change until you get un-invested. If the power struggle still exists, they will feel defeated by you if they change, so they are in essence, “stuck” in this behavior.
You can free them to change by stop your involvement in their business.
105 Responses to “Still Pooping Pants at 8 Years Old”
-W
My child is a 7 yr old boy. We have been dealing with pooping issues since potty training. He was born with Hirschsprung’s Disease and had 1/3 of his colon surgically removed, which complicates our issues. About 18 mos. ago we saw a pediatric gastroenterologist for just over a year. The doctor never changed her course of action and nothing she did helped in the least. She never acknowledged that the disease could be a factor and just kept the same treatment the whole time we visited her. After 14 mos. of $40 co-pays I said ENOUGH! I have given up on the medical world and I am now looking for other solutions. I too am guilty of loosing my patience and, his 3 siblings often make unkind comments. We are working on this as a family. But we know the exhaustion this issue brings upon individuals and families. Good luck to each of you!
eliza
Take your son to a kinesiologist! they work!
Gigi
Encopresis is commonly caused byconstipation, by reflexive withholding of stool, by various physiological, psychological, or neurological disorders, or from surgery (a somewhat rare occurrence).
The colon normally removes excess water from feces. If the feces or stool remains in the colon too long due to conditioned withholding or incidental constipation, so much water is removed that the stool becomes hard, and becomes painful for the child to expel in an ordinary bowel movement. A vicious cycle can develop, where the child may avoid moving his/her bowels in order to avoid the “expected” painful toilet episode. This cycle can result in so deeply conditioning the holding response that the rectal anal inhibitory response (RAIR) or anismus results. The RAIR has been shown to occur even under anesthesia and when voluntary control is lost. The hardened stool continues to build up and stretches the colon or rectum to the point where the normal sensations associated with impending bowel movements do not occur. Eventually, softer stool leaks around the blockage and cannot be withheld by the anus, resulting in soiling. The child typically has no control over these leakage accidents, and may not be able to feel that they have occurred or are about to occur due to the loss of sensation in the rectum and the RAIR. Strong emotional reactions typically result from failed and repeated attempts to control this highly aversive bodily product. These reactions then in turn may complicate conventional treatments using stool softeners, sitting demands, and behavioral strategies.
The onset of encopresis is most often benign. The usual onset is associated with toilet training, demands that the child sit for long periods of time, and intense negative parental reactions to feces. Beginning school or preschool is another major environmental trigger with shared bathrooms. Feuding parents, siblings, moving, and divorce can also inhibit toileting behaviors and promote constipation. An initiating cause may become less relevant as chronic stimuli predominate.
I found this on Wikipedia. I hope it helps.
alyson
Thanks for the post. I am sure that will help many of the readers here.
honey dew
Some kids like pooping there pants because they get more attention and time from their mother if they are forced into potty traning to young when they are out playing no matter what age they will not stop go home to poop and hold until the the urge is so powerful and cant stop it and fill their pants full, once this happens its a euforic rush panic then hide it , this is what I went threw first second and third grade!! Two hours before school let out I would fill my pants
because I didnt want to miss any thing,
after filling my pants I sat down very quick to hide it and sitting on it the smell was faint. Then when school let out I didnt hurry out side at first until my teacher asked me if I had an accident,
I always said no and left. I loved the attention I got from pooping my pants,
It felt amazing filling my pants and to wear it. There is a lot of kids in school that like pooping there pants 50 years ago.
LET THE CHILD DECIDE WENT THEY START USING THE TOILET!
IM 50 YO I STILL LOVE A HUGE POOP IN MY PANTS I FEEL YOUNG AGAIN!
Fiona
I feel compelled to contribute to this thread. I consulted this website three months ago when I reached an impasse with my four year old (since turned five). She was having daily bowel movements in her underwear, and I couldn’t figure out why. It had been happening on an off for about six months, but this last stretch was particularly trying.
It turns out that a number of key foods that I had been encouraging her to eat (because they are healthy) had been irritating her small intestine. It was a Naturopath here in Oakville, Ontario, with NAET training (allergy training) who pinpointed the problem for us. We have since eliminated these foods from her diet and there hasn’t been one poop incident since.
I wanted to share this with you to let you know that it really might be out of your child’s control. I hope that this e-mail has helped you and I wish all of you and your children the very best for the future.
shar drake
Would you give an example of the types of food that you are talking about
Suzanne
I am raising my 8 year old niece, she has been diagnosed with severe constipation, the pediatrician has on taking a daily laxative powder, which does help.. But I do remind her to use the washroom and she has actually chosen to poo her pants instead of using the toilet. She told me it’s easier to just clean her pants then use the toilet… This frustrates me so much! I’ve taken her to a psychologist and she thinks part of it may be caused by a deep rooted problem or depression, but this has been going on for years. As far back as I can remember my sister complaining about it when she was alive.. Parents, please give me suggestions to help me not get so frustrated??
I already make her clean the mess herself, so other suggestions please.
alyson
Are there other areas of her life where she could have more say, control, agency or choice? Increasing her overall sense of feeling in control helps.
alyson
Suzanne, I believe this is a power struggle. As such, you can drop the rope so she is no longer embroiled in a fight with you over toiletting. After all, if she is cleaning up the mess independently, then I would say this doesn’t involve you. Its between her and her choices for how she cleans herself, odd as they are.
If you don’t care – and if you stop making it an issue in the house, I suspect that she will see there is no power to be gained in defying you anymore, since its no longer defiance! Its accepted that she can poo her pants if she chooses. Without the benefit of conquering you and upsetting you and proving to you that you CAN”T MAKE HER – the behaviour losses its purpose. With no gain to be had – why not use the toilet, its just easier.
Good luck!
drsepherothd
I am Disabled, Incontinent and an Adult Baby. So from a Regression point of view this could be an issue.
This 8 year old girl is choosing to poop her pants despite having to clean herself and her pants up herself. I would say ask her if she wants some diapers, one she might be doing this as a means to control you because she is unable to communicate her will two she may very well wish to be treated like a baby again.
Investigate, ask her questions and observe her behavior find out what she wants, and then let her have it.
If she wants to be treated like a baby again, go through the last month of her in diapers before she was potty trained with her,, think of it like a therapeutic opera. Within a week or two she will be board stiff of acting like a baby and being treated like a baby.
If she does not want to be treated like a baby again then I would still offer her the nappies, but treat her as you would a severely disabled child who wears diapers.
If she does not wish to use diapers, then try offering them to her in a months time, as she will get sick of washing out her underwear.
Explain that she can just poop in the diaper if she chooses, throw the diaper away and clean herself up.
Ultimately it is her body, her bowel movement and her toileting routine, if she chooses to poop on herself accept it, this is normal, many animals poop on themselves for one reason or another, and a large portion of humans do the same thing. Mostly humans that are under the age of 5, over the age of 80 or severely disabled but if you look on google (search for “Panty Poop”) you will be shocked how many people choose to soil their pants.
Accept her for who she is, and try and help her manage this in a discreet and easier way.
Tammy
I have a 6.5 year old whose still pooping her pants.Here lately she has even wet them also.I have tried time out,taking away television which hurts her mostly,and I have even tried spanking.She’ll just hide it when she’s tired of punishment.She’ll even use a bunch of clean clothes to clean herself off which means more laundry.She will also poop on herself and then use a whole roll of toilet paper at a time to clean it off and then stop the toilet up.She gets poop all over her bedding,her mattress,the carpet,the toilet,and making her clean it up has no effect either.This is a daily routine that happens several times a day sometimes.Sometimes her undies and clothes are so bad I have to throw them out.I replace so much underwear.She will sit in it for hours and then you’ll start smelling the old poop and you just gag.She knows what she is doing is wrong because she knows our other children don’t do it but I think she doesn’t care.What do you do when they are doing it because they are just being plain lazy?We have 3 bathrooms in our house,and she rarely ever pees on herself.We have even taken her to the doctors and he said she is not constipated and he told her in a stern voice not to do it anymore and thought that would cure her.Any advice!?
julie jenkins
does she hide her underwear within the bedroom so you can’t find them? tell her if she don’t listen to you soon that you will start using nappies again until she stops pooping her undies and if she don’t take any notice march her to the bathroom and take her undies down for her and plonk her on the toilet seat and stand there until she goes and don’t leave before no matter what – even if there is some one at the door, they will have to wait until she has done her business.
Pam Timmermans
Hi Tammy,
My experience might be helpful to you.
I have a 5 year old son who constantly pooped his pants and had pee accidents all the time. It was driving me nuts. I stayed calm and was indifferent to the situation, as I figured he would do it when he was ready. I do have an incentive system (he gets 1 smartie for going pee on the toilet and 5 for going poo). That is working quite well. When he does have an accident (which is for 2 reasons: 1, he has anxiety around going poo on the toilet; 2, he is way too involved with playing and not willing to take the time to go on the toilet). When he does have an accident, I immediately remove him from his play in an indifferent way and take him to the bathtub, where he is required to clean himself to the best of his abilities, then I do the rest. When he complains, I tell him that he chose to go in his pants, so when he makes that choice, he has to get cleaned up. He chose the action and the natural consequence is to clean himself up. I think this is a good method because he can’t be lazy. If he chooses to be lazy, then in the end, he spends more time cleaning himself up and has to get wet in the tub. He has to choose for himself, is it really worth it?
I know as parents we are busy and it’s hard to constantly monitor our kids to see if they had an accident. As part of our routine, he is also on a toileting schedule until he consistently makes better choices. Every hour, he has to come down to the toilet and try to go, whether he has to or not. You could try instilling a similar technique with your daughter. That way, it doesn’t pay to be lazy. Let her know that it’s not healthy to go to the washroom in her pants, so as her mother, it’s important to you for her to make healthy choices. Let her know that when she starts making better choices (ask her what some better choices might be; Let her be a part of the process), she won’t have to be on a schedule any longer.
When he does go on the toilet, I make sure I give him lots of praise. Recently, a switch has gone off and he is finally getting it. For the past week, he has had no accidents in his pants. He’s going poo and pee on the toilet all day long on his own and he still gets his smarties until the container is empty (we filled a container from the bulk store). So nice to see some progress.
I wish you lots of luck.
alyson
Thank you for sharing your story. You have made recommendations very generously and I thank you for taking the time to help someone you have never met. In Adlerian psychology, we call that social interest. BRAVA. That is one of the best parts of these websites – for parents to connect and share so we don’t feel alone. Alas, I want to make some comments without being discouraging. Could it be that children who are made to clean up, sometimes find that they get personal one on one time with their parent during this time of assistant, such that, there is more to be gained from soiling than in toileting? Also, when we reward kids with smarties and insists on a schedule, they can be made to feel very controlled and will NOT use the toilet simple to defy our authority? To prove ” we can’t make them”. I find that by accepting the reality that most people do the normative behaviour of using a toilet, that simple patience, faith, guidance, and a hands off approach will allow a child to move in the direction of pro-social behaviours of the group norm. The busy-er we get training ( aka controlling) the longer the process takes. Hope this helps and gives some potential insights. – Alyson
olpampam
I also wondered if the cleaning process was more along the lines of positive reinforcement because it gave him mommy and me time.
My son might be a little different than some because he has a global delay. We had a pediatrician help with these recommendations, although I added the external reward (Smarties) because to be honest, the other stuff did kind of seem like a reward in itself and I wanted to shift the attraction to using the toilet rather than bath time with Mom and after awhile, you’re willing to try just about anything. I don’t normally agree with external rewards, but in this case, I had just about exhausted all of my patience. I knew he could do it, he just needed to want to do it.
The schedule was also recommended by our pediatrician for home and school. I most definitely don’t disagree with you though that it could make him feel controlled, but it did save many pairs of underwear and since he is a very routine based child, he didn’t seem to mind the schedule because it just felt like part of his routine to him. It’s good to take all perspectives due to the fact that every child is different.
Thank you for your expertise. All perspectives are greatly appreciated, especially when there is good reasoning behind it.
Amanda Gentle
It is a medical condition called encopresis. Allison, check your facts before spreading your nonsense ok. These kids have soft leakage that makes us believe constipation is not a factor but in fact it is. Your children hide their clothes because you shame and degrade them for something they truly cannot control and you most likely caused with the foods or junk you feed them!!! My 8 year old son has this problem and check ups were normal. Finally, after online research, I had him tested for encopresis. The cure? Mostly your actual time and love. First, they empty the bowel, then you maintain a better diet, food journal, and potty times along with stool softeners. This is not easy or fast but it is possible and better. You chose to have children as did I. Lets keep them healthy and happy. DO NOT DISCIPLINE FOR THIS!!!! Our frustrated, ignorant response to this condition harms our child far more than any peer will. We are supposed to be the ones that understand!!!
Timothy
Have have a 5 year that will pee in the toilet but poops in the floor and she’s going to school in august. Please help I tried everything
monica
Hi. I am in a similar situation.I have a question to see whether my partial solution may help or not. Does he tells you ahead she wants to go?
Angela Eller
Alyson not to be negative but letting the child do the cleaning and go on their own in just good faith that they will stop is ridiculous. Those who have girls know how dangerous it can be for their health as a small example UTIs just being an example. I can half way understand with a boy but as a parent looking after the health for her kids this seems like a receipt for disaster. They are kids they don’t get to be in charge and being able to have some say to what they want to do and can do on their own, should been seen as a privilege if they are acting like a 2 yr old when they are 5 and up. I say the diaper method may be the best way and I mean full on as in make them where it in public and check them regularly like you would a 2 yr old . And yeah even if you have their friends over. I may sound harsh but this is what stopped my son from doing this. It was the embarrassment that got him to stop. And it looks like I’m going to have to do the same for my daughter. Honestly there is a time to ignore them with some behavior but not in this case. You want to pay for that doctor bill go ahead ill be here with my lil girl healthy but extremely embarrassed.
Robert Ryan
Diaper punishment is illegal in alot of states. Please check your state laws on this one before you try it ..
Alyson Schafer
I agree with you Robert. There is NO place for any shame based parenting techniques, for any reason. Ever.
Jennifer
My 10 year old daughter has been doing this since potty training. It has been the most exhausting experience. We have tried everything. EVERYTHING even ignoring it. We currently have taken away all tv, computer, etc. She can go outside to play or read. I told her when she goes 21 days straight she can have privileges back. We talked about it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. If she poops herself on day 3, 7 or even 20…..it all starts over again. I’m praying this works.
lynn
My son is almost 8,I’ve been having this problem with him since he was 3yrs old.. he was pooping his pants all the time and then some days are fine …But I always have to remind him to go to the washroom….(ALWAYS).. Know he is started slowly to pee his pants I think It’s lazyness???? Well to be honest I dnt know what to do Please help….
Grandma
I want to thank all of you for writing what is going on with you as I have thought we were the only ones in the world going through this hell.
We have the most wonderful 10¾ grandson, that came to live with us along with his sister and mother a year ago. Well for the past year all I smell is poop! We have tried JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING, and I SO MEAN JUST BOUT EVERYTHING to STOP this. But ALL has FAILED. I WONT allow ppl to come into my house as it smells like a sewer. We’ve had him checked out by his doctor…. all is okay. Next to the psychotherapist… and still POOP! It’s has gotten so bad I am not going through depression as I am stuck in the house all day smelling it! I mean the smell has gotten into everything no matter how much we clean. We have tried making him scrub his clothes, and wash them… still poop!
I have talked to him if there is anything I can do to help him… nada. I went and sent away for diapers for older children and that will be my next step as I am lost at what to try next. The sad part is he doesn’t seem to even care that his friends can smell him. One of the psychotherapist told us to make his sit on newspapers on the floor as he ISNT allowed to sit on anything else… and that we should have “pratice wipping” three times a day. Sounds like an idea to me, but the daughter is fighting me on it. The 2nd psychotherapist told us to give him “coffee” which just made him wired out! lol I am at a lost and truthfully really starting to get sick of all of this… HELP!!!!
elenabozhinova
As a Psychotherapist myself I can only say – please change psychotherapists! I think it will be beneficial to look for somebody who is doing psychodynamic/psychoanalytical psychotherapy as this is not a question of behaviour, but of emotional conflict which needs working through. what you are describing are behavioural techniques that obviously are not helpful. Good luck
Debbie
Grandma, I am a grandma too! I am raising a 7 and 8 year old boy! I have got them to stop shitting at school! How? I gave them a Nintendo controller if they could make it a week. The first week was awful! But, the second week worked! Now they don’t do it at school! However, they still do it at home all the time. They didn’t do it yesterday because I told them they would go to bed! Today they pooped and ruined their pants and tried to hide it! I made them straighten their room and go to bed w no tv. I’m sick of it and can do nothing about it. It’s horrible!
nikki
i so happy to hear that i’m not the only parent out there that has to deal with this on a daily basis ~ i’m at the end of my rope too and reading all the other comments ~ i see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is going to take a long time in getting there ~ thank you everyone for the advice ~ my daughter is almost 8 years old and has been doing this for almost a year and i’m starting to think that maybe this is caused from us (her parents) always fighting and this is the result ~ but i’m still pretty confused to why it is happening ~ but please keep posting comments on this problem as i will be coming back every few days to read people’s comments and advice on this matter!
Julie Jenkins
maybe use pampers for a while until she stops pooing her self – don’t let her have toys and make her go to bed until she realize she has not got to poo her undies and go to the toilet.
Julie
My 5 year old keeps pooping in his pants and then will hide it in his room. He says he doesn’t like to sit on the potty because it’s boring. I’ve tried everything from bribing him to making him sit on the toilet. He’s almost 6 and I’m wondering if I should take him to the Dr.
KC
I am so glad that I am not alone!!! My son is 8 and he still has “accidents.” He says that he can’t feel when he has to go. We don’t push him and I have stopped asking him every 5 minutes if he needs to go. He is definately getting better, but it doesn’t bother him near as much as it bothers me. The doctor says that he will outgrow it…
Patricia
I don’t believe he will outgrow it. My Godson is 13 and I thought he would outgrow it; he hasn’t. I am reading many articles on the topic, reading other posts but I am seeing the only true first step is going to see his doctor.
Samantha
KC, Our son says the same thing about not being able to feel that he has even pooped. I have the hardest time understanding this but I totally believe him. We have a very solid relationship and I have no reason to doubt him. I have just advised him that if he is tired of cleaning his underwear that he should try sitting down every time he needs to pee just incase he also needs to poop. Also, I thin think he has small poop sometime and gets it confused with a fart. Lets hope that works, I don’t know yet.
Trevor
Okay, my brother is 13 years old. He is still pooping in his pants. No idea why he does that. I don’t think it’s a power issue at all.
Amanda Gentle
Encopresis. Look it up!!
Concerned
Amanda Gentle
Idk if gentle is really part of your name but either way you are anything but…
I know what encopresis is and it is definitely worth getting that info out there but your comments are downright nasty and not compassionate. It would be great if you could work on that. Thanks
Exhausted Mom
I agree! Both comments I’ve seen from her are very very rude as she assumes the diagnosis of several children having a similar issue but all of them doing things a little different. My 8yo still uses the bathroom in his pants as well and we have been working with a GI doctor since he was 4 with no changes in his bathroom habits. I guess our GI doctor is wrong because you know all these kids just have encopresis smh Thanks Doctor Amanda for the rude unsolicited diagnosis of all the children who have accidents in their pants regularly.
CeeBee
These are depressing comments. I’ve got a four and a half year old who I just spanked to within two inches of his life for pooping in his pants. He has two younger siblings, and I’ve always bought into the whole line about how “children will train when they’re ready!” and “He won’t go to kindergarten in diapers! wink wink!”
But I’m starting to suspect these happy-sounding lines are a bunch of overly-permissive s&*t. 😉
Gawd. Thirteen years old? I can’t take another nine years of this.
Sometimes he’ll go in the potty, but more often than not, he’ll just go in his underwear. It doesn’t help that he’s verbally delayed; this is part of the reason we’ve suffered in silence this long. It’s a good excuse. But this kid is bright enough to run our computer, knows his numbers and alphabet and hundreds of sight words. He’s NOT a helpless invalid.
My husband is a lot more forgiving about this than I am, so he asks for Daddy when he’s had a dirty one, but even my husband’s saintly patience is fast running out. Cleaning up after a four-year-old’s bowel movements is NO FUN AT ALL.
My hands smell like feces no matter how many times I scrub them. Today I made him clean his own poopy underwear out into the toilet.
He kept saying “yuck!” because yeah, it DOES suck to have to scrape out feces with your hands, doesn’t it, boy??? Then he had to clean off the toilet seat, which had poop smeared all over IT, and then he had to take a shower to clean off his rear end. Oh, and clean off the ledge of the tub where he managed to get poop smeared as he got into the shower. Hopefully this will be aggravating enough for him to avoid repeating his hideous mess.
Nicole (@mamavisions)
CeeBee, I feel sorry for your kids. My son’s holding poop habit drives us crazy. I feel frustrated. He can see that. But spanking and bragging about it is just…sad.
Kc
I feel sorry for her child.
Lisa Gorsuch
Yes i agree. Spanking for this is so completly wrong. My son is 7 it is causing so many issues with my husband and i. When he was a baby i had to hold him v in warm water for him to poop. He wasnt around for this so has no idea how badly this hurts me to see this battle with them. What did you do? Please contact me need someone talk to about this.
Amanda Gentle
You need to check yourself MOMMY!! Look up necropesis before you beat your little 4 year old within an inch of his life okay? HORRIBLE!!! Disciplining for it will only make it worse! Do some research.
Bree
Your post is completely horrifying CeeBee! A four year old? If he knee hundreds of sight words, as you suggested, he was a very BRIGHT boy. Making him scrub the toilet and the tub is slightly overboard for a preschooler. I realize your post is from 2009, and your boy is around 12 years old. Hopefully all issues have been resolved without any long term psychological damage. I have wondered if, maybe, our children have certain behaviors that enable them to feel more connected to us. If we are so busy drilling them into perfection that we don’t take time to love them and care for them, then it is quite possible they will do things to receive ANY reaction from us, be it a good reaction of compassion and understanding, or a reaction of disgust, anger, and judgement. To a child, any reaction is better than no reaction.
k connor
Someone needs to do something about this woman beating her child ‘within 2 inches of his life’ are you f**** kidding me? I get frustration, but damn, this is straight child abuse.
Alyson Schafer
Corporal punishment is never okay. The purpose of my website is to educate parents on how to understand misbehaviour and then correct the child through positive discipline methods that are neither punitive nor reward-based.
Catherine Bloom
I disagree, my 9 year old still poops his pants. He has seen a doctor, he does not have encoporesis, or any other medical issue, it is not a power struggle, he is purely being lazy. He has flat told us this. At first we just dealt with it because we thought it was part of being an autistic child. But after taking him to a Dr and counselor, it clearly is not. We tried a plethora of systems to stop this behavior, nothing worked. Now it has gone from just a bathroom issue to a lying issue. He will not only poop himself, he will sit in it until someone says something, or hide his underwear. He has even gone as far as saying the poopy underwear on his butt are not his,someone else pooped in them and put them on him,and once a dog came in the window and crapped in his underwear. So yes,my child gets spanked for that. This has drastically changed his behavior. He does not get beat. And I’m sure the mother who said she beat her child within an inch of his life said it out of frustration. We are steady raising a generation of out of control, spoiled children with no respect for anyone. I believe this because child services has this country absolutely terrified of how we can and can’t properly discipline our children. I’m in no way insinuating abuse by any means. But go ahead, make them clean their dirty underwear and any other mess. Reward good behavior, but bad behavior should be punished. At after all other issues have been investigated, the child has no medical condition or mental issues, it is in fact a behavioral issue and should be disciplined as such. I’m no expert, just a mother of 6. I had the crap scared out of me by child services when the school suspected autism 6 years ago. I felt like my hands were tied, I was told my kids were autistic, they will always be out of control and it’s just the way they are. Well, that’s crap, even special needs kids need rules discipline and structure. I took my power as a parent back. It’s not an overnight process, it’s definitely a process, follow through is key. But discipline, as long as not abusive is your business.
Ana
My 8 year old is pooping too. School, home and when we are out. He doesn’t want to miss out on the action. Punishing does not work. Washing underwear does not work. The point is why is he still continuing the behaviour. I am frustrated and angry. My main concern is that if kids get wind of it at school – excuse the play on words, he will have bigger issues. I am putting my hands up. Over it!
Cindy
My step – son pooped and peed his pants until he was 8. We tried EVERYTHING we could think of and we finally found a SOLUTION. He would go a few months of just peeing, then a few months of just pooping, then many months of both. His pediatrician said it could be related to his ADHD. His special education teachers thought it was behavioral (he regressed at 2 years old when his birth mother left and was never able to be fully potty trained ). We tried sticker charts, rewards, punishments, m asking him clean his underwear, totally ignoring it, re – potty training with a baby doll, showing him pictures of how the muscles work.. nothing helped. The doctor tested for juvenile diabetes, gave him exercises, took x-rays, and diagnosed him with encopresis. We did enemas, clean-outs, probiotics, and a year worth of prescription strength Miralax. No change. Then we has the pediatric gastroenterologist do biofeedback testing called anorectal manometry….results came back normal. We gave up and figured we would crap himself into adulthood. Then I got pregnant and talked to my chiropractic assistant friend about adjustments for my back pain. It popped into my head that they do adjustments for bed-wetting, so I figured we could give it a try. We did one adjustment. Within 3 days he stopped going to the bathroom on himself. He started getting up from playing or watching a movie and telling us he needed to use the bathroom. Night time wetting stopped too. School started and he has stayed clean and dry for 4 weeks so far. So CHIROPRACTIC ADJUSTMENT worked for us! My theory is that he was never aligned properly and his nerves were pinched or inflamed. I don’t think he could actually feel the urge to go until it was too late. I think the adjustment put everything back in place and over a few days his nerves returned to normal. It’s worth a try if your child has the same problem!
Kristy
I have a 7 year old who has been pooping and peeing for 2 years. Chiropractor is my next step. I hope it works. We have done Miralax clean out, pediatric gastroenterologist, MRI, rewards, punishments you name it. I am exhausted and afraid for him
Alyson Schafer
I am sure you are exhausted. Perhaps the next step is family counselling and seeing this more of a behaviour that is symptomatic of some relationship stressors.
Exhausted Mommy
We have done therapy, reward systems, punishment like having him clean what he poops in also punishing by taking things away, sadly (spanked in the very beginning as we thought it was out of laziness since he was fully potty trained) since one day when he was 4 and he decided no more pooping in the toilet. He has been to the GI doctor had miralax and got scoped as he has celiac as well. It’s very frustrating because sometimes I catch him starting to go in his pants and make him go use the toilet. It’s always an argument to get him to go poop where he is supposed to. He is aware and capable as once in a blue moon he will tell us and actually go use the bathroom on his own. I wish I could find something that works where he would always go on his own instead of going in his pants or us making him toilet sit once we catch him or smell where he as started to go in his pants. I think it might be time to give the chiropractor a call
Jennifer
I am calling the chiropractor today!!!!
Farrah
I’m not sure if anyone still posts on this blog, but I am also up to my eyeballs with this issue concerning my 8 yr old stepson. This has been going on for almost 4 yrs now. We were hoping he’d outgrow it, but it only seems to be getting worse. He goes through cycles with peeing himself, but he poops himself numerous times a day every single day. He doesn’t discriminate either. At school, at our house, his mom’s house, friend’s houses, out in public, etc. His brother and sister are constantly coming up to me or my husband and telling us that Lucas smells like poop again. We make him clean himself up, put his nasty underwear in a plastic bag to be thrown away (he has blown holes through his underwear on multiple occassions,) use sanitary wipes to clean up his butt and legs, and wash his hands. He also wears a watch that goes off every single hour signaling him to use the bathroom. NOTHING works, We’ve done time outs, early bedtimes, no video games, no tv….We always have an extra pair of clothes in his backpack and most days he comes home wearing a totally different outfit. He won’t come tell us that he’s had an “accident”, he waits until someone smells it and calls him out on it. Then when we send him upstairs to get clean, he lies about doing it. You can still smell the poop, and he admits that he doesn’t wash his hands! It’s disgusting! He’s been tested for autism, adhd, gluten allergies….he’s been to therapists, counselors, a pediatric gastroenterologist. He’s been asked by numerous people if he’s been inappropriately touched… he always says no. He gets made fun of at school….he has even been caught playing with it. I noticed a poop stain on his wall next to his bed and his brother spoke up and said that Lucas told him he was “finger painting” and he also had it on his stomach. I’m mortified and disgusted. I love this little boy so much…but this isn’t what I signed up for. HELP!!!!!
elenabozhinova
this is so tough on everybody, but it sounds like your step son needs a long-term psychotherapy, please consider it. i know you said he has been to therapists in the past, but i think this has an underlying psychological cause that needs long-term stable relationship. i can only suggest what i know (i am a psychotherapist) which is a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic psychotherapy. it takes time and effort and might be expensive, but i really think this is more than “simple” behaviour issue. all the best in a very difficult situation.
alyson
I wish more parents were open to psychotherapy. We are all complex beings and behaviour is an expression of so much. I agree that when families are dealing with enduring power struggles or revenge behaviours – its time for to utilize professionals.
Amanda Gentle
Look up necropesis
Patricia Morrish
You keep spelling it Necropesis– it’s encropesis
Dee
Hi! My name is Dee and I am a mother of a 22 yr old beautiful daughter and also a 13 almost 14 yr old son. I have literally been thru hell for 4 yrs now. I have analyzed it over and over. I have been single most of his life, he has never met his father and that is his (DONORS) choice. Anyway, I am at my whats end, as my father has had a ruptured intestine before(2003) we almost lost him. Different reason though. My boy , everytime I think I get him over the hurdle…back to finding hidden underwear, you name it. He has been to Sanai for a clean out. He has been to ER 3 times and I am just out of my mind trying to figure out why this child will not go. It gets to the point where is body starts to turn it to liquid to get it out. I imagine thats he body trying to natural way of remove the grossness. I have explained its toxins he is just allowing to sit in his body. I have read a lot of replys and questions on this site and it is somewhat helpful. I just dont understand the whole thing HONESTLY!..when I have to go I GO!!!! had many ppl give their opinions..whip his ass..NO!! to that. umm make him clean them..done it.(at Sanai Hosp)He li,es to me and says I am fine mom, yes I have been getting some out. So I want to believe him so badly, but these days I need proof and, I dont think I can fix this one myself. He can not go on lke this..So, I have surrendered and made a therapy appt. I am not a huge fan of (those drs..lol) although they are trained and went to school for underlying things adults and children say. Another thing before I have to go. I live in carroll Co. WHY ISNT THERE A GI (PEDIATRIC) FOR TEENS?? IT IS ANNOYING REALLY. LAST TIME WE HAD TO GO INTO BALTIMORE. HOW CAN I HELP MY SON??? SOMEONE PLZ GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. OOOPS SORRY WAS STUCK ON CAPS..LOL NOT YELLING TO THE SENSITIVE ONES, i AM JUST HOPING BY MAKING A THERAPY APPT i AM DOING THE RIGHT THING. HE HAS TO RE TRAIN HIMSELF. END RESULT I FOUND OUT HE WAS HIDING UNDIES AND HOLDING #1 WHEN i DID LAUNDRY AND THEN CAME THE UGGGGHHH !!!!! hE WAS HIDING AND FIBBING ABOUT GOING. he will not go to bathrm in public anywhere. heres my thing he was poty trained at 3 and this started at 9! EXPLAIN THAT PLZ? HE ALWAYS HAD VERY LARGE STOOLS BUT AT LEAST HE WAS GOING..NOW IAM SO WORRIED I AM SO AFRAID ITS GONNA GO TOO FAR ONE TIME and he is gonna end up in the ambulance. yes I worry A LOT and an overthinker. this is not normal..PLEASE MOMS IF ITS NOT THE COMPUTER WHICH HE NEVER WANTS TO GET OFF OF.I THINK HE STARTED HOLDING THEN, ALSO OUR LIVES CHANGED WHEN WE CAME BACK TO MD IN 2014. I MET SOMEONE AND I THINK HE FELT HE WAS STEALING ME..LOL I STILL TREATED DER THE SAME, BUT CHILDREN THINK DIFFERENTLY. I DONT KNOW ..I AM SO MENTALLY TIRED OF THE WORRY AND REPEATING MYSELF. HE IS AN HONOR ROLL STUDENT WELL WASSSS!!!! 2016 TILL THE PRESENT A LOT OF THINGS HAVE CHANGED BUT NOTHING TRAUMATIZING (EXCEPT ONE THING) NOTHING WAS DONE TO MY CHILD BUT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO WITNESS SUCH A THING. #1 REASON I AM SINGLE AFTER 4 YRS. ALSO HE WAS HOLDING WAYYY (# YERS) BEFORE MY x TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF. THERE IT IS! that is not the reason though. SURE TRAUMATIZING BUT HE WAS HOLDING AND HAVING SOILING PROBLEMS BEFORE THAT. I want to help him..I feel like crap that I CANT FIX THIS FOR HIM…IT HURTS MY HEART! PLZ FEEL FREE TO GIVE ANY ADVICE, this is getting a little much now. high school next year. He better fix it..or someone is gonna pick a terrible nickname if he has an issue at school one day. I have even gotten him nurse passes to use her toilet. I just dont know what else I can do as a mom..he is 14 in 3 weeks! I have driven myself and him I am sure crazy for yrs now. I have to hand it over. Any good GI’S plz feel free to suggest. sorry for the rant but this is the 3rd day of him soiling himself because his body is realeasing it on it own( in his sleep) etc…
Bob
my sister had the same issues in primary school. my mum tried really hard and did everything she could to help, but it didn’t work. me being 6 at the time, i didnt understand why she was doing it. My sister soiled throughout the day and night so my Mum put her in drynites pull-ups 24/7. I don’t know if this helps but I am just sharing my experience with you
Stephanie
How you are describing your son is totally the same situation I am in with my soon to be 9 yr old son. I’m beyond frustrated. I’m sad and depressed and it has put a huge strain on my family. He and his twin sister came to us at 18 months through foster care. He already had several issues from his past neglect which we promptly recognized and got him therapy for…mostly speech and development. We adopted them at age 4. They were both potty trained by the time they were 4 with an occasional pee accident at night. At age 5 we took in another foster sibling set age 2 and 4. The 4 year old was a HUGE hand full who would have daily (sometimes several a day) screaming at the top of his lungs temper tantrums. After 6 months they left my home. Thats when my adopted son started pooping himself. We think he saw all the drama the foster boy caused and the attention it received. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD. I also think he has oppositional defiance disorder. I think he uses the poop to punish me when he gets in trouble for something. I have seen him sit in time out give me a dirty look and then bare down while pooping in his pants! For a while he had us trained. If he knew there was a reward for staying clean for a couple of days he would stay clean but as soon as he was given the reward he would poop. After 4 rewards we caught on… I run a daycare and he has actually come out while I’m having a parent interview and let poop fall out of his clothes while being as charming as he can be to the new clients knowing he smells. I no longer do interviews with him at home. if its summer time and no school my husband takes him on a drive for an hour until I’m finished. We even stopped going on family outings because he ruins them for everyone. now we just leave him home but its usually me or his oldest sister who also has to miss out to stay home with him. Just today we found 2 hand prints on his ceiling above his bunkbed so now we are worried he is going to start “painting”. We did a full scrubbing on his room but I just think of everything he has touched and I am so grossed out. The saddest part is that we adopted him to love him and take care of him his whole life and now we don’t even want to spend time with him because he makes everyone stressed out. his twin doesn’t even want to be around him and is embarrassed by him at school… I have no idea what to do for him, we have tried it ALL.
I.P. Daley
Damn. What is with all these kids playing with their poop?
Bean
If he’s got that much poop in him, he’s severly constipated. There shouldn’t be enough poop in him to be pooping that many times a day. Kids get that full and can no longer feel the need to poop.
Doesn’t explain the finger painting though.
Mel
THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is the best advice! You are so right! This is what I am going to do. My daughter doesn’t full on spoil herself she just waits and then has major
Skiddies! So thank you! I will take your advice.
Anna
There is a long term solution. See pantspoop.com.
Tracy
Oh my gosh, so relieving actually to know that I am not the only one out there going through this! I know it is much worse for my son…or at least possibly, unfortunately will be some day with how the trajectory is looking. He is 7. He sometimes still pees (although is very good at hiding it…it is like he “leaks” all day long in his underwear). It is obvious at the end of the day when his underwear stinks like urine. He also still poops in his pants probably 3-5 times a week, usually a little, but sometimes, disturbingly, more than a little. And he does this in school, on play dates, at home when he is a few feet from the toilet. He says friends don’t notice or say anything at school, but come on! they know. I worry incessantly about the social repercussions and just feel so completely awful for my little man. More correctly, I vacillate between feeling completely worried, and completely fed up and frustrated with him about it! There are 2 things I feel at play. One him having accidents, which maybe he cannot help…I don’t know! But then #2 Him having an accident and then not doing anything to clean himself up! That is just disgusting! He is like in denial about it. He often sits on his heel trying to stop the poop from coming out. He says it is like a race, he either wins by getting to the bathroom on time or the poop wins by coming out a little. His dad has a very very short fuse and is a very scary person when angry and sometimes I wonder if this is the root of this. My son also has a complete gag reflex when he sees or touches toilet paper. He is typically developing in every way except for this, he does not have autism or any sensory issues besides the toilet paper thing. I feel just awful for him and I have no idea what to do. He REFUSES to get tested for Hirshsprungs Disease, and his dad backs him up on this ( part of our divorce contract says both parents need to agree on medical treatment). My son is emphatic, and I feel that if I did get a judge to approve my request to have it done, he would kick and scream and it just wouldn’t happen. Also he refuses to go to a therapist, because he thinks we need to keep this private (I think something that he heard from his dad). I am so frustrated and I feel powerless. I feel like he is starting to get ostracized, at least from the parents of his friends from school…they don’t want him to come over to his house anymore, I think, because of this issue, and truly I can’t blame them. Honestly I think both the dad and I have tolerated it for as long as we have because at the end of the week he goes back to the other parent, and we get a break from it. We both love our kid so much, but this is maddening. I don’t know what to do! PLEASE any help, suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Amanda H.
Tracy, I don’t know if you will ever see this, but my 8 year old son’s behavior exactly mimics your son’s. The sitting on his heel and “racing” to the potty are spot on. I’ve gotten very good at telling him that he needs to go, then he suddenly “needs” to go. I’m at my wits end. I know his friends and classmates know, and I think it pays a large part in why he has very few friends. I am fortunate enough that he seems to “want” to fix it, but we often make no progress. Thank you for sharing your story because I often feel alone and defeated by the situation.
melissa
When a medical rule out has determined there is no structural or underlying physiological cause … i believe that children have bowel issues when their is some emotional concerns that are not being spoken by the child…afterall it is not easy to talk about issues especially if it pertains to family members you love! but we are talking about a developmental stage between 7 and 11 that makes talking about deep feelings and experiences that are troubling to them hard…they often cant find ‘the words” to express because they are still learning how to be interpersonally related and expressive. So going to a professional psychotherapist would enable all family members to learn about expressing feelings between one another. i am of the mind that when you dont talk things out you act them out in all kinds of unique ways. ask yourself are we a family that is not talking about their feelings are there troubles or ongoing conflicts that are not being worked out in the family? also if this a peer issue of some kind your child would benefit if he or she could talk this through with a therapist while the family learns how to discuss these concerns at home. Not all the time but many times; a physical symptom can be reflecting a deeper emotional need that still must be addressed and worked through with all family members..
Emma
‘Once they have learned how to do that, your life is not impacted’ I don’t think it’s that easy! My son will sit on the couch and make it stink. He has started pulling out dry peices and throwing them on the floor, and they stink, bad! It is affecting us.
Erica F.
Maybe its just as simple as them wanting to remain in diapers. i apologize for sounding like one of many diaper lover trolls out there, but i say, let them wear their diapers. I know its disgusting, painfully monotonous, not to mention extremely expensive, but make him or her wear diapers and USE them EVERYWHERE. the more they get embarrassed and teased by their peers, when changed in public or at school, the more they may be willing to break that habit.
Another thing to maybe consider, is despite countless doctor visits claiming nothing is wrong with them, keep pushing the issue with them, and get as many opinions as you need. Doctors, believe it or not, are only human… they make mistakes and sometimes are lazy themselves. Dismissing something they may not understand, saying nothing is wrong or its psychosomatic, gives them an easy way out of actually doing their jobs.
I have a niece, who is now 16 years old, who did the same thing and 4, at 6, at 8 years of age… having doctor after doctor tell my sister nothing was wrong. Her being at wits end, tearing her own hair out and being on the verge of physically abusive towards her daughter. and guess what, she was later, MUCH LATER, diagnosed with Spina Bifida Occulta… a rare form of SB, that showed no outward signs, normal childhood SB often does. Just because she could walk and run, didn’t mean she didn’t have the birth defect. you know what im saying? If not look it up. My point is you never know.
Tom Harlin
I am a widowed father of a nine year old girl that absolutely hates the toilet. She is being home-schooled right now because she was always doing #2 in her underwear every day at school. I know she’s gotten worse since her mom died four months’ ago. I try to confront her about it and she tells me that I can’t stop her because of her being a girl and I’m not. I am tired of doing just her laundry because of it. She does it no matter where we go. The doctors’ all say she’s stubbornly regressed and it is up to her on when to be back using the toilet instead of her underwear. She is one of a kind in my books because I’ve never known anyone else that had these kind of issues with their children. Oh yes she has had quite a few bladder infections because of it but she just don’t seem too care. I will not start her in pullups because I think that would further her from even attempting to go in and use the restroom like a normal child. Any ideas on how to deal with this kind of issue.
alyson
First off, Tom, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you and daughter are still very much grieving. Soiling at 9, giving that she has control and was once trained means this is a psychological issue tied in to other thoughts and beliefs that impact her choice of behaviour ( soiling instead of choosing the toilet). I would recommend you discuss this with a family therapist. I am sure she and you would both appreciate some support even around the area of missing her mom and the new family dynamics.
Susie
My grandson was diagnosed with Redundant Sigmoid Colon age 3. he is six, and I believe it has been fixed. The problem now is he has developed a fear of having a bowel movement. He squirms and moves until it seeps out. My daughter and I have bribed, taken stuff away. Told him to go, and nothing has worked. It hurt him before, and now he is afraid it will still hurt. I am going to tell my daughter to give him a real good clean out this weekend. Is there anything else anyone can think of to help?
alyson
Fear of potential pain is something the doctors who diagnosed him might be able to help with. I would treat this as a specific anxiety issue and use techniques used for other specific fears. Check out BCanxiety.org website for great ideas for kids and parents.
Sabrina
I thought I was the only one with a 9 year old who seems to choose to go poo in her knickers. She has no problems usually using the toilet and will sit on it most mornings before school and try hard for a poo. All is good if she manages to poo but if not I know at some point that day I will get a call from school.
I get so frustrated by this that on some mornings when she hasn’t done it on the toilet and I’ve got time I’ve kept her off school and frog marched her back into the toilet, lifted her skirt,, pulled her knickers down and made her sit on the toilet untill she does it which on most occasions she does without complaining although when she is genuinely constipated she will cry and say she can only do it in her knickers.
She will sit in dirty knickers untill someone notices and tells her to change. She has probiotic yogurt so thankfully her poo doesn’t really smell bad, like today she came in from school and I checked and she had full knickers, I asked her when she did it and she said some on the way to school then at lunch she said she was in the que and needed to ” get rid of some cos it was hurting” so did it in her knickers then sat and ate her lunch.
We have also had the situation at home and school where she will do some poo in her knickers whilst playing or at school during lessons and then later will go and sit on the toilet and finish her poo off in the normal manner, sitting there with her poo filled knickers at her knees, and then will get off and just pull her full knickers back up and get on with whatever she was doing.
Apparently she will grow out of it I was told when she was 7 she is now 9 and shows no sign of changing. Ever time I say something she points out that she did it on the toilet the other day or when at grandma’s etc
Any thoughts, advice or experience welcome.
vijayashree
my daughter is 7 yrs oldvshe still doing patty in her panty.she doesn’t want to go tiolet. everyday she is doing the same thing. pls help me what can i do for this probblem
Alyson Schafer
Helo Vijay,
See the doctor first and make sure there is no health issue. Then ask if there are reasons she doesn’t like using the toilet? Fear of the noise of flushing, fear of alligators in the sink, fear or using the washroom at school alone. If she doesn’t have any such fears and issues, its usually an expression of protest about feeling too controlled in the relationship and wanting to retaliate in some way. Could it be that she feels you are being over bearing in other areas of her life?? What are some ways to warm up the parent child relationship and find ways for her to take care of her own responsibilities independently?
Linda Williams
I dont buy it that an 8 yr old cant help it. Besides my 8 yr old grandson is pooping himself regularly and smearing it in three different rooms in the home AFTER having been fully toilet trained for over 5 yrs! He has always been a bed wetter but never had this crappy issue before Aug. 2017. Its a nightmare. He is not developmentally delayed but does have behavioral issues. He knows better and definitely knows it is not even close to okay to smear shit all over the damn house…sorry this is very upsetting both for my daughter and son in law but also for her two other boys.
Alyson Schafer
Hi Linda,
From what you write, it does sound like the usefulness of his behaviour is to anger or revenge upon his parents with his acting out through his poop smearing. The solution lies in helping them improve the relationship between the family members so he is not feeling so vengeful. I would recommend some family therapy to resolve matters. Even 4 sessions can make things so so much better for all.
Alyson
Grace
I have a 8 yr old daughter that still does not wipe herself and waits til the last minute to poo. She told me that. I make her clean her underwear with a toothbrush and clean the toilet because she gets it everywhere on there I mean everywhere. What should I do about this.
Alyson Schafer
Grace, At the age of eight, wiping is her responsibility. Does she manage her other responsibilities? or does she rely on you to do all things for her? I think what is key here is that you take a friendly approach that conveys trust and faith in her to figure this out for herself with out being hostile with her. The scrubbing w the toothbrush sounds extreme. Cleaning up after herself yes, but so long as the undies are fit to go in the wash, a rinse should be good enough. If she perceives you are trying to punish her with cleaning rather than seeing it as her rightful job, she will find a way to retaliate. We don’t want that. We don’t want to invite revenge, but to stimulate co-opeartion.
Janie
My middle son will be six in two months and is not fully potty trained. He both pees and poops in his pants on an almost daily basis. I have started and stopped potty training several times since he turned four. I end up getting upset and stressed with the messes and putting him back in pull-ups. I have also attempted having him clean his own messes. I am a single mom with two other children (one other still in diapers) and have found it easier to just clean him up and change him when he poops. It is both exhausting and expensive to have to do this!
Alyson Schafer
I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling with this, and I am sure everyone understands how much harder it is to deal with behaviours when you have other children and you are a single parent. I always recommend a visit to the pedestrian to rule out any health issues. Is he uncooperative in other ways? If asked to help out or make his bed, wash his hands, or pick up his toys does he agree? Or is defiant about many things?
Janie
I have brought up the issue to the pedi each visit with her.He is speech delayed and she says that his potty training has been behind because of that. There is a good chance he is ADHD too and we will test for that after he turns 6. I am sending him to school in the falll so I am hoping that helps. He is a very kind and sweet kid. But He is still very immature. He was also slow to do other milestones. I also think sometimes he is just happy being a baby.
Emma
My middle child is almost five she only recently started pooping her pants. At first we thought it was more of a shard then it turned into actual poop. Well today I broke. We have four kids one died at birth so three living. Our oldest is almost six years old middle is the four almost five year old and a almost six month old. My middle child is my step daughter and her moms in and out of her life and I actually believe she does this bc of her mom. The doctors says she’s fine but she might need see and professional. Back to me breaking today. My husband and I both work full time jobs at mine I work almost 12 hours daily and I had just gotten off my 12 hour shift still had to go to Walmart and finish paying some bills while my husband finally got to go to bed. He works grave yard and I work days..anyways I come home to grab the kids and go do our business so hubs could sleep a bit bf work. I go to tell my middle child to hurry and to get shoes etc on well she says okay while sitting on the potty so I ask are you okay do you need help she says no I pooped tho so I asked are you done do you need help and once again she says no…okay so her bottoms are sitting on the bathroom floor so I said you didn’t poop on yourself again did you she got stiff and said um no…(side note her bio mom picked her up from daycare for about 45 mins today. She hadn’t seen her in a week and then three months bf) so I go are you sure and pick up her stuff and bam a full Pile of poop in her pantys so I asked what’s this she cry’s witch is normal she cry’s all the time every day 24/7 any ways I go let’s get you cleaned okay honey. So I take her pantys out of her bottoms and then find that not only are they poopy but she had peed herself too!!! She’s been potty trained for two years! Two! So I breath I tell my husband and tells me she just got back about 15 mins bf I did and I go okay I’m done with this and I grab a pull up (bc my son still has night time issues) I clean her calmly I hand her pjs and the pull up and told her to put them on. I go get my youngest pack and play open it in the kids too. Got a blanket made a bottle I took her and put her in the pack and play and told her if she is going to pee and poop on herself like a baby then we will treat her like a baby. I gave her a bottle laid her down turned the lights off said good night and I left to do what I needed. My husband stayed up until I got home and I’ve been checking on her made her get up and go potty all night and I’m hoping by morning she’ll have a different point of view about being a big girl. I didn’t yell I didn’t spank I didn’t time out bc none is working. It’s her bio mom messing her up and we know this. But we refuse to raise our children on egg shells. They have to be supervised and let them know they are loved even if I’m step mom or my husband is step dad. They have chores they says yes ma’am and yes sir they listen so good but when they mess up we let them know so that we can guide them in the right way. Our children are to young to understand power they know parents are boss and they listen to the boss or they don’t get what they want they talk to us and we help them understand. Every child is different so not every way is correct nor will it work for everyone. But I’m not going to pat her head and let her think this is okay when it’s not. Our children do not have power over us and they barely have power over themselves. We are the ones that teach them this and I will teach my kids a better way of acting out when they miss their moms/dads. I’m very old fashioned and I’m only 26 but I’ve been around children and also work for a preschool. I take teaching classes so I know there are a million ways to treat this acting out but I do not believe it’s bc children feel powerless bc they don’t even understand what that even is unless taught. But there were some great points in there but powerless idk maybe with your children or others but as for mine and the 40 plus I take care of on a daily isn’t the case. Always show love and understanding but also be firm.
Joanna
My husband and I are at our wits end with his 9 year old daughter. She is pooping in her pants every single day and has done so since I met her 4 years ago. She lives with her mom in another state during the school year so we only have her with us during holidays and summer vacation. We were told by her mom that the problem had gotten better and it did seem better when she was with us for Christmas but this summer it is happening every day. Her mom has taken her to the doctor countless times and they say that nothing is physically wrong with her except for a little constipation which we treat using prune juice, miralax and the occasional glycerin suppository. We have also taken her to the doctor and he said the same thing. We have tried just about every approach to get her to stop pooping in her pants. I try to reason with her, reward her for pooping in the toilet, have made her wash her own underwear, make her sit on the toilet several times each day, etc. Nothing has worked! She does not seem to care that she poops in her pants and will walk around with poopy underwear until we smell it and tell her to go to the bathroom. She also lies to us about and will tell us she hasn’t pooped when she knows she has. Recently I have discovered that she had hidden 10 pairs of poopy underwear in her bedroom which were found by my dog and made a huge mess. We never yell at her or punish her for pooping in her pants, only when she lies about it or does something like hides her underwear because she is old enough to know that is bad. We don’t know what to do!! Although we don’t get angry with her, inside we are extremely frustrated and sad because we don’t know how to help her. She is a smart and sweet little girl and we feel so terribly because we know she must get teased at school for it. I didn’t have any children before I married her father and now have a 3 month old son so im a very inexperienced mom and I feel lost! I also forgot to mention that her mom said she took her to a counselor maybe 2 years ago and they also did not think it was a psychological issue but I am not sure I fully believe her mom. She has a tendency of not being fully honest with us. We are open to taking her to a therapist while she is here for the summer, but she has out of state insurance through her mom which only covers emergency room visits here. I just returned to work from unpaid maternity leave and between daycare costs and living expenses, my husband and I are barely making ends meet as it is and the average cost for a therapy session is $100+ and her mother is unwilling/unable to contribute anything towards it. Please let me know if you have any suggestions! We are desperate!!
Alyson Schafer
I am sorry you are facing this issue. I would suggest family counselling as this can uncover dynamics in the family that are not recognizable to parents. She may (and I only hazard a guess) be “shitting on you” (to be blunt) because she finds the situation distasteful ( not being with her mom, being away from home, the threat of a new baby etc..) A trained professional could get the to root of it. Good Luck!
Suzanne Webb
What would you recommend for a four year old? My son can poo on the toilet but usually only once he’s soiled his pants slightly and I take him. He never takes himself willingly preferring to go in his pants. I’m so worried about him starting school and being bullied. We’ve tried reward, encouragement. He’s stopped holding on which is progress and I know he can do it just can’t seem to get over the last hurdle!
Alyson Schafer
If he is willing to co-operate with you, you could suggest that since he is having difficulty noticing and taking matters into his own hands spontaneously, that instead, he try to have scheduled “sits” at the time (s) of day that he typically moves his bowels and see if that helps him reduce accidents. Make this a special time with books and enjoyable.
Clarice A.
We have a newly adopted 14 year old daughter whom we have had for three months now and two weeks after we got her she started having daytime wetting accidents and some bedwetting.Since we wanted to be eco-friendly,we got cloth diapers and plastic pants for her to wear,and now she is in them 24/7.
Alyson Schafer
Hopefully the stresses of adoption have abated and she is once again in control of her bladder. Also consult a physician to rule out other causes.
Angela Gay
i have the same question, my son has seen a doctor he just turned seven he has dealt with constipation his whole life. the doctor had him on a stool softner and it never worked he will have a watery bowl movement. Its now gotten to the point that he is having the accidents in class. The principal tried to tell me he had symptoms of a Atypical child. i know children that are Atypical and that is not the reason he is having the accidents. The school is making him wear pull ups until we can get the problem solved any advice as how to help him understand why he needs to wear something he has not worn in years
Alyson Schafer
I would be very straight forward about the fact that the school needs to find the most hygienic solution to the current issue. Be truthful without shaming him. Sorry you are struggling with this, but as you can see by the comments – you are not alone!
BM
My sister has her twin 6 yr old grandson’s (they don’t look alike and are miles apart in development mentally and physically) she also has her 5 yr old granddaughter living with her. there are many dysfunctional situations at play here but the main problem is with one of the twins, the slower one. They have all been potty trained and aside from having to wear pull ups at night that’s mostly because they drink too late before bed and stay up too late in my opinion. However all were using the toilet during the day. then one day the one twin decides he can’t and won’t poop in the toilet. Will hold it forever if he has to or go hid outside or a corner to poop in his pants. So since that has become an issue he now goes to my sister and asks for a pull up so he can go poop in it, then demands to be cleaned up.
She claims he’s autistic, which he very well may be but she’s never had him seen a doctor for that diagnosis. He does show all kinds of signs of something being really wrong developmentally his speech is really bad (slurred, baby talk lots of repeating) he has always walked on his tip toes every where. He’s doing very poorly in kindergarten, way behind the other kids. Still I don’t think it’s autism. He and his brother can’t be in the same class or after school program because they are horrible together, I mean horrible. They are not much better on their own but a little. This one though I think is the worst, always suspended in trouble, hitting other kids, disrespectful to staff. I’ve come to help my sister and my elderly mother and have recently just encountered all this behavior. Now trust the kind of bull he pulls in school and on others does not fly with me and is not tolerated at home when I’m there. I’ve heard absolute horror stories of situations that went on before I came. I’ve started a regular routine for eating meals, bed time, waking up for school and getting there on time w/o all the loud acting out that happened before, in fact all three are up dressed, ready and waiting by the door to go 10 minutes before time now. So I know there is good here. It’s just this one child’s pull up pooping issue that has me concerned. I believe he’s manipulating my sister because at one time he used the toilet to both poop and pee…now he’ll pee all day long in the toilet but not to poop, and his poop is so nasty, it’s horrible. I refuse to clean him up… any ideas?
Rachael
I am of the opinion that your article leaves out a large portion of children who do not at all fall within the blanket parameter of holding poop for behavioral reasons – power struggling against the parent. Both of my children have autism, sensory processing disorder and anxiety. Medically speaking they are “okay” in the physical sense. There is no physical impairment to their ability to have a bowel movement. That does not mean there is not an impairment to their ability to move their bowels normally though. My oldest in particular holds his poop (for DAYS AND DAYS if I don’t keep a written journal to keep track) for two reasons. Number one, he doesn’t allows feel the sensation of needing to have a bowel movement because he experiences under-sensitivity in many areas. Number two, when it gets to the point that he is aware he has to go (i.e. intense pain in his abdomen or skid marks in his underwear), he simply cannot stand the sensation of bowel movements, the smell, seeing it, etc. These things elicit a gag response. It is not at all behavioral. After several years of ABA we finally got him out of pull-ups at age 5 1/2 and he now poops in the toilet but only when he absolutely cannot hold it any longer and has large skid marks (or a little more) in his underwear. He also will not wipe himself – the mere though elicits an intense gag response. If the issue is forced on him (as I’m sure some uninformed readers will suggest) a major sensory meltdown and panic attack occurs. This article was sent me by someone that I have repeatedly explained my son’s disorder to and it absolutely infuriated me because it just feels like it fell on deaf ears. This article does not apply to my son’s situation. Not every child can be explained as “behavior issues” such as “power struggles”. Children on the spectrum generally have feeding disorders as well in which they will self limit to certain foods due to aversions to textures, smell, temperatures, etc. His situation also cannot be explained as encoparesis because that is generally an involuntary soiling and not something the child does on purpose (See – https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/encopresis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354494 and https://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/encopresis#1).
1) I keep track of my child’s bowel movements to make sure he goes at a minimum of every other day. See – https://www.healthline.com/health-news/autistic-kids-more-likely-to-have-stomach-problems-050214#1
2) Children on the spectrum are more likely to have GI issues because of feeding disorders and sensory disorders. See – http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/133/5/872.abstract
3) Sensory issues and autism. See – https://autismrecoverytreatment.com/Biomedical%20Autism%20Intervention/bowel-movements/
4) Anxiety can cause constipation and greater defecation anxiety as well. See – https://www.webmd.com/children/news/20031015/anxiety-linked-to-constipation-in-kids#1
Amanda
Hi Sabrina,
I have a 10-year-old daughter that has a similar problem. Talking to her, making her wash her own underwear and doctor’s consultations has only made her hide it and when we did find out she made all sorts of excuses. I suspected she might be doing it on purpose and that was confirmed by her best friends, who provided quite a lot of information.
According to her she usually does it soon after she gets to school and will keep it in her underwear the rest of the day. She also told me she had admitted to liking how it felt then sitting in it for the rest of the day.
Katie
Hi, I am living with the same situation. I have four kids, and the first three have gone through “potty training” (gag) but have been struggling ever since. The oldest has the most problems with accidents at age 9. The next one struggled with accidents until age 4 and continued with bedwetting until age 6. The third child is 4 and having daily accidents, just as the others did. The last one is nearly 2 and I have no desire to potty train. It’s obviously a family trait. We’ve tried all the methods, and what has helped us is:
prayer
training pants
toilet sprayer
parasite treatments
enemas
cut out wheat and dairy
very low sugar
acupuncture
Now, we’re not done with this but these are my coping helps. But please, you ALL need to get a toilet sprayer!!!! This will save your poop frustration by 70%. Twenty bucks to not touch the poop. Yes please!
Sara
Hi! I’m the mommy of a 5 year old school kid that poops in her pants ONLY several times a day. And by poop, I mean a LOT of it. Exactly like a baby would in her diaper. I’ve taken her to the doc and after much testing… all is fine. She is not constipated, and she’s proven to me that she’s able to go when she wants to. The problem is that she DOESN’T WANT TO GO AT ALL! She’s perfectly fine the way it is but its causing me so much aggravation and embarrassment. I’ve tried MANY things; yelling (with no results – just a very teary three or four year old), consequences (no going to friends until you show me you can go to the toilet for week – no results), making her clean it up (although this might work for some, it was the worst idea ever for my kid), rewards (nada – maybe for three days.) About a year ago i approached a parenting expert who made me aware that there’s nothing as precious as a relationship. Although I have another two young children ages 2 and 3, and a fourth on the way, I’ve made it a point not to let this come between us. I strain myself to spend extra time with her playing games and going out. At the advice of a second parenting expert, I’ve learned to detach HER (as in, her essence) from the issue. We pretend that her poop is just really sneaky and comes out by itself. We’ve tried brainstorming for solutions together. There are no concrete results yet and I’m trying all my avenues, but at least my child will be an emotionally healthy adult, and not grow up thinking my mommy hates my poop more than she loves me. BUT THIS IS THE MOST EMOTIONALLY DRAINING THING I’ve ever had to do as a mom and I’M AT MY WITS END. It doesnt help that she is a nagging whining kind of kid. And its no fun when she poops in the morning right before her schoolbus comes and its hectic with the other kids and she misses her bus. Or when she poops at a friend’s house or in school or at the dentist. She’s developed warts on her thighs from this and usually stinks (excuse my language.) I’m just trying my best to keep on being calm and loving and pray that this passes really really soon. I want to end with one thing: shaming your kid, spanking them to hurt them, or giving any harsh punishments WILL NOT HELP YOU!! It will just MAKE IT WORSE. And even if it does help for short term (or long term, whatever that means,) you will be creating in your child a self-hatred and a mistrust of adults that will HURT THEM in the long run. Badly. You will end up with a kid that is at best withdrawn, anti-social, and feelings of chronic-failure, and at worst severely addicted to drugs, alcohol, and all sorts of crime just to mask the pain. YOU ARE THEIR MOMMY. They trust you to build them up and help them succeed when they cannot do it themselves. You are their big mommy, their everything, and their hero. They mirror their self-image by the way YOU look at them. Some of these reviews are downright terrifying. At the same time I’ve learned to give myself lots and lots of self-care to build up my batteries to be able to deal with this. Take some time off for yourself. Go out with friends, go on a vacation with someone you love, take a walk at the park by yourself. Good luck!!! And wish me luck as well!!
I don't want to tell you my name
Hello, I used to poop in my pants until I was 9 years old. My parents tried everything to train me (they offered me incentives, punished me, asked me very politely), but nothing seemed to work. I recall that uptil the age of nine, I was underweight because I used to eat very little. This also caused me to be constipated most of the time. One fine day when I was 9 years old I just automatically stopped doing it. To this day, I don’t know how or why this worked but it almost happened naturally. However, over the years I have noticed some strange changes with my digestive system. In my early teens, I started getting diarreha almost everyday, but thankfully now my stools are normal. Now I just have this chronic bad breath. Therefore, the problem is usually in the stomach and no where else. Sometimes you just have to give them some time.
Not telling you
Hi everybody I need some advice I am 13 years old and I soil everyday twice or three times a day and I smell can I have advice I have tried everything I have tried getting pants I really like the design of and still soil I am on movicol and go to a paediatric gastro team nearly every month my little brother is the same and he is twelve but he doesn’t go to paediatric because he isn’t as bad as me can I get advice for us
Jason
I was almost 13 by the time I finally stopped pooping my pants. I was always extremely constipated and avoided using the toilets at school or when I was out somewhere. When I tried to go at home nothing happened, or it hurt too much, so I usually just ignored what my body was telling me. If I didn’t take the opportunity to go to the toilet it seemed like my body worked against me. The problem with that was those opportunities almost always seemed to be during class or while I was out doing something on the weekend. I was also extremely shy so putting my hand up and asking to go to the toilet was far to embarrassing. Letting it come out in my underwear when it wanted to worked because it didn’t hurt, so that became normal. The anxiety of starting high school seemed to make my constipation even worse and I spent most of the first day with a load in my underwear. That just increased my believe my body was different and doing it in my underwear was normal for me.
My parents thought I was lazy or doing it on purpose and going to great lengths to hide it only confirmed their belief. I got quite good at keeping it secret and that became a challenge for me, rather than admitting there was a problem. Going unnoticed at school or out places on the weekend made me feel like I was in control of my situation, but it also made it a lot worse. By the time I started high school I was doing it almost daily. My logs were always big and very firm and without much odor, so I usually just kept wearing my underwear until I got home. It also meant there was only one a day to deal with. The only time I changed was if a teacher or someone said something but that hardly ever happened. All that made my parents and teachers sure I was doing it on purpose. It wasn’t until a teacher decided to make me her challenge that I finally began to change.
Alyson Schafer
Thanks for sharing the details of your story with us. Can you share what that teacher did that turned out to be so successful finally?? Your experience would benefit many others.
Alyson
Jason
Not long after she started, the teacher asked me to stay back at lunchtime and questioned me about the state of my underwear. My first reaction was to deny it, but she then explained how she knew. At around the same time as she started, I began to wear soccer shorts which were a lot cooler and more comfortable then the uniform pants but didn’t cover my underwear very well when I was sitting. After she told me she challenged me to tell the truth and reminded me much she didn’t like liars. Everyone in my class were already well aware of how much she hated that, so I told her the truth. With that admission she took me to her staff room and first surprised at how much was in my underwear and then how hard it was.
My solution after that was to be more conscious of how I was sitting but like most boys that age my attention span was rather short. A few days later I was in the same situation and that went on for a while. One morning when I got to school earlier than usual, she suggested I sit on the toilet and try to go. She could tell I was trying and after checking to see my progress a few times she began to question me. I had told my parents how much trouble I was having but she was the only person that realized but also believed me. She then suggested a reason why I was doing it in my underwear so much and she completely correct. For the first time someone understood me, and she also admitted to having the same problem up until the about the same age as me. That made to quite happy knowing someone understood and I was not alone.
The disappointing part was when she talked to my mother a few days later her suggestion was belittled, and she was told I was doing it on purpose. Fortunately for me the teacher decided to ignore it and continue to help me, like I was a challenge she was determined to resolve. She tied a lot of different treatments to stop my constipation but none of them worked, that was until one finally did. By that time doing in my underwear was a very established behavior for me so that took time for me to change. Her first goal for me was keeping my underwear clean for a whole week and when I finally achieved it, I was extremely happy and so was she. Every afternoon she confirmed my underwear were clean I got a gold star in the back off my book and for every 10 I got a present from her.
Jason
Not long after she started, the teacher asked me to stay back at lunchtime and questioned me about the state of my underwear. My first reaction was to deny it, but she then explained how she knew. At around the same time as she started, I began to wear soccer shorts which were a lot cooler and more comfortable then the uniform pants but didn’t cover my underwear very well when I was sitting. After she told me she challenged me to tell the truth and reminded me much she didn’t like liars. Everyone in my class were already well aware of how much she hated that, so I told her the truth. With that admission she took me to her staff room and first surprised at how much was in my underwear and then how hard it was.
My solution after that was to be more conscious of how I was sitting but like most boys that age my attention span was rather short. A few days later I was in the same situation and that went on for a while. One morning when I got to school earlier than usual, she suggested I sit on the toilet and try to go. She could tell I was trying and after checking to see my progress a few times she began to question me. I had told my parents how much trouble I was having but she was the only person that realized but also believed me. She then suggested a reason why I was doing it in my underwear so much and she completely correct. For the first time someone understood me, and she also admitted to having the same problem up until the about the same age as me. That made to quite happy knowing someone understood and I was not alone.
The disappointing part was when she talked to my mother a few days later her suggestion was belittled, and she was told I was doing it on purpose. Fortunately for me the teacher decided to ignore it and continue to help me, like I was a challenge she was determined to resolve. She tied a lot of different treatments to stop my constipation but none of them worked, that was until one finally did. By that time doing in my underwear was a very established behavior for me so that took time for me to change. Her first goal for me was keeping my underwear clean for a whole week and when I finally achieved it, I was extremely happy and so was she. Every afternoon she confirmed my underwear were clean I got a gold star in the back off my book and for every 10 I got a present from her.
Nathan
Hi eveyone i hope you are all doing well.
I have a really diffacult to potty train brother he is 10 and still wets the bed daily he has benn check out by over 10 doctors(for real i’m not joking) and they have checked him and saw nothing wrong i have tried asking my mom to potty train him but she will yell shut up at me and punish me if i say that the room smells please help me it’s like living in an sewer thank you for reading this please stay safe eveone
Mike Hawk
I am 59 and I still struggle with shitting myself. I even hide my soiled underwear even though I am living alone. Just habit, I guess. Hopefully when I grow up I will be able to better manage my poop habits. I do notice that I consciously allow the turd to peak out my butthole before I intentionally pull it back inside. But invariably I will end up getting carried away and reach the point of no return whereas I lose control and part of the turd gets stuck outside the backdoor.
“Damn it,” I say to myself. I did it again.
It seems like a game I am playing. I feel the urge to take a shit, but rather than do the adult thing, that is to say, go to a bathroom and sit on a toilet and expel the poop, I choose to play this odd game. I sometimes wonder if I like the feeling of the turd going out and back in, as if I am getting fucked by my own turd. But then I realize how ricockulous that sounds so I dismiss said pondering.
Most young boys are potty trained by age 2. Why am I 57 years past due. I should have been dealing with this issue when JFK was getting his head ripped open in Dallas. I was almost 2 then. So you can see, I am late, huh?
Please help me.